I Always Obeyed
by newcomer77
Summary: From the long years of obeying & pleasing Maria to the time with Peter and Charlotte, Jasper endures situations only seen in people's nightmares. After such a long life of terror, could anyone love such a marred & shamed vampire?
1. Chapter 1

**_**Hello! I am pleased to see you are reading this. I really hope it doesn't bore you or make you feel depressed...yes, there is very little fluff in this fanfic. I know some people love the happy stuff, but others love the angsty writing, too. This DOES have both, but you'll need to stick around for a looonnng while to get to the sweet stuff. Thanks for reading and please continue!**_**

**_Ch. 1--The Jasper Stone_**

Her eyes were closed as if she were sleeping. She wasn't, I knew this for sure. She had to be resting. Resting her body, nestled in the satin red sheets. She tried to decorate her room with an essence of power. Beautiful, untouchable power. Most of the objects were red and shimmering, even if they were stolen from peasant humans. Her jewelry was also mismatched and rusted. I turned my head to the dresser on the opposite side of the room.

It was a sleek black box, wrapped in velvet (the fabric was fraying from the corners). It was her prideful jewelry box. She insisted on making off with her prey's rocks and gold and diamonds if they fit her taste.

To be truthful, it quite disgusted me to see her wrap her thin fingers around necklace chains and tug until they broke from it's owner's neck. The chain would dangle, the broken links splattering over the wearer's neck hollow. Maria's eyes would sparkle with greed as she stashed it away in her petticoat pocket. She'd tuck her hair from her face, letting her blood red eyes revel on her dry kill.

I knew that she had one necklace in there that I particularly hated. It was, of course, the one she insisted on wearing most often. Whether it be because she had ordered me to snatch it from a corpse, for I had done so gently as to not break it, or whether it be because she knew I hated to see it.

It was not a pretty piece of jewelry. It was very plain--it was a stone dangling off of a fake silver chain. The silver paint was edging off, and it truly looked cheap. I supposed the jeweler was very inexperienced, but the one that prepared the stone on it was much more skilled.

But, it had to be a jasper stone.

It was a very shiny and well-polished rock, but the colors weren't the kind that women would normally swoon over. It was orange, red and white. The orange was sort of like terra cotta, and I think that alone made it less pleasing to the average female.

The red and white looked good contrasted together, but it held such a meaning to me that I hated it for that. The red…it looked like blood. Or ruby red eyes, like my own. They were very bright and would flash in the sunlight, creating me to look more intimidating than I already was. And the white--it reminded me of alabaster skin. Already Maria would compare me to it by the name, of course. I didn't voice my thoughts on the color comparison.

There was one more thing about it that led me from annoyance to hatred.

Maria had been the one to take down the human that it had belonged to, and she hadn't been gentle. In the rage of attack, Maria's steely fingernails had drove into the soft human jugular, and slashed the rock. It had a few other nicks and bumps from when Maria settled over her kill and drank the blood, but one could plainly see the stone's scars.

Scars. Just like mine.

I grimaced and turned away from the jewelry box were it sat, haunting me.

The covers rustled around me as I shifted. Maria's eyes fluttered open, and I can't say whether I was relieved or not. She'd probably want to get out of bed, now, and I didn't mind leaving her stained-red quarters.

She ran a hand through her ebony locks, letting them cascade over her bare shoulder. I couldn't help but let my eyes be caught by the absolute beauty of her. I pulled the bed clothes closer, as to hide myself.

Maria had taken me into her room before. This wasn't the first time. She'd seen all of me, so I didn't have to worry about her absolute shock when she undressed me. I guess I was glad I didn't have to explain to her why the scars were there, though…since she had sent me out to get them. I was often angered that she had no scars. All the other soldiers had, but she only participated in the more easy attacking, and therefore was left unscathed.

The sunlight that was trailing in made my skin glow. I didn't like the sparkling aspect, for my scars somehow lost the ability to gleam. I supposed that the skin there was so ravaged that there was no way it could possibly catch the light the same way again. I hated that they had to be drawn to attention when I was in the sunlight.

I was staring into the new day when I felt Maria's fingers in my hair. I didn't shrink away like I used to. I had done that so often that she had become angered with me, and I had to physically stop myself from doing it as to not displease her. I was pretty positive that I had done that a lot last night, but she was so overcome by lust that she hadn't noticed.

Something that bothered me with Maria was that she would bring me into her room so often and do what she pleased with my body, but she would never kiss me.

Even when I was the one to step up and approach the idea. I supposed that our relationship was only physical. No emotional attachment. I was the only lover that Maria had that I knew of--maybe she had one I didn't know about that she would kiss. Maybe she loved him. It was odd to both hate Maria and thirst for her approval. It often made me angry that I was so spineless.

I remembered once while we were together in her satin bed, I had brought my lips achingly close to hers, offering. I had let my eyes fall closed as I waited for her to shove her face onto mine. She was not a gentle lover.

Instead, she had gripped the sides of my jaw and angled my head away so she could suckle my throat. I had to admit, I was shocked that she had been so quick and blunt to reject my love and affection. She wanted none of that. She probably wanted none of me at all in the daytime.

My head snapped up as I heard the bathroom door slam. I was alone in her queen-sized bed, the sheets crumbled around me. I tugged one up as I sat upright. It spilled from my clasped fist and over my broken body. My legs dangled off the side of the bed. I slightly curled over myself, letting my elbows rest on my knees. I pushed a hand through my hair, sighing, feeling my shoulders fall. I shook my head to nothing. I was just wondering what I was doing with my life.

"Here." Maria's toneless voice came, and a stack of fresh clothes fell at my side. I acknowledged in the back of my mind how Maria had behaved last night. I stared at the shredded ribbons of my previous outfit, lying in the corner. I closed my eyes and gathered the clothes.

Maria whisked around me, getting ready for the day. She pushed her long mane of ink black hair off her shoulder and adjusted her white peasant like dress she'd wear today. She ruffled her gorgeous hair more and stared out the window. I quietly marveled at her magnificent body as it glittered.

I never seemed to be happy about her beauty at night, when we were alone, undressed. Fully clothed during daytime, I felt like I wanted her like any other vampire recruit. I guess I was just wishing that she wasn't so violent with making love, and I was imagining that she wasn't really.

She turned to me, her ruby red irises looking oddly innocent. Her face was so mesmerizing that I didn't hear what she had said.

"I beg pardon?" I must have sounded so stupid--when I got nervous, flustered, or embarrassed, my Texas upbringing stood out. My language, my accent a little, my manners. She rolled her eyes, letting her hand run through her locks and down her body. I tried to not to stare.

"I said, get changed." She hissed. I closed my eyes, successfully not shrinking away. I touched the fabric, wondering if it had been harvested from a human corpse…

"That's right, go on. We have stuff to do today." Maria urged, absent-mindedly. She was before her full-length mirror, and I felt my throat constrict as she lifted the jasper stone to wear around her neck. It was such a cruddy pebble…I hated that she wanted to wear it only to bother me.

I pulled the white button up on and shimmied into the trousers. I stood from the bed and made my way to be behind Maria. This was always the awkward part.

"Last night was wonderful, Maria. Thank you." I lied, bowing to her reflection. Her annoyed face softened as she moved her mane around to do her necklace clasp.

"You're welcome, Jasper. Now, help me do this thing." She craned her neck and offered me the bent silver clasp to the necklace. I hid my grimace and obeyed. She let the hair spill, and she beamed at her reflection as I watched her with large red eyes.

Those damned eyes--the eyes of a demon raised from fire. I was a monster. I was a demon. I was unholy, and I got more than I deserved by being in Maria's presence. I looked away from my horrible reflection. I stared down at my bare chest, I hadn't buttoned my shirt yet.

Maria turned and placed her hands on the cloth, bringing it together. She busied herself by buttoning it with nimble fingers. I watched with serene delight. She did care about me. I was more than a night of pleasure, and these moments reassured me.

"Gotta cover those scars up. They look pretty nasty in the light."

I froze, staring at her fingers. They blurred together, and I couldn't comprehend anything.

_They look pretty nasty in the light._

I felt like I was retching, waiting for bile to gush in my mouth. I wanted to vomit. I really did.

Maria finished the final button and smiled. "I will meet you downstairs." She pressed against my chest gently. She was pushing me out. I stiffly obeyed. I always obeyed Maria.

I closed the door behind me, listening to the soft clink of the door. My hand felt like cement over the old fashioned knob. I put my palm to the wall behind me as to not stumble over.

**_**Yaaaa i know it's kinda sad, but i just wanted to open up my mind about what I thought happened before Jasper met Alice. Stay tuned! **_**


	2. The Battlefield That Bleeds

**_**WARNING! prolly the most morbid chapter of the whole story. Please have a strong stomach...just kiddin. But it is a glimpse of Jasper's demons and a day in the life of a vampire soldier, so you know it cannot be too pretty. Don't get scared off--thanks for reading!**_**

**_Ch. 2--The Battlefield That Bleeds_**

My fellow vampire recruits walked around the halls of the mansion that Maria had claimed. It was sort of like a college--for there were enough rooms. Like dorm rooms. I had my own room, of course, and the only visitor was my friend, Peter.

I often found myself caring for Peter more than Maria, a feat that many of my peers would not understand. So many of them felt lust for our leader, wishing they could be in my shoes and spend nights with her. They could take it--I didn't want it. I barely ever did. Only the first time was I remotely feeling accomplished--because I knew I was Maria's favorite.

I resisted the urge to slink onto the floor and hide from the passing vampires. With their long white limbs and unbeatable grace, they flounced up and down the halls sometimes just for entertainment. I myself had been to every nook and cranny of the halls.

"Jasper." I blinked rapidly, clearing away the haze that unexpectedly appeared over my vision. I could see Peter. His bright red eyes looked pitted with concern for me. His white hair fanned across his broad shoulders and sparkled in the lighting. He pressed his wise lips together as he took in my appearance. Surely I didn't look the best. I never did after nights with Maria. I knew he could tell why.

He put a hand on my shoulder. "Come with me, my friend." I did, wordlessly. We floated in the bare hall amongst a couple other vampires. As we made our way to the rooms, we passed Nettie's room.

Nettie was a lot like Maria in many ways. She used her power to gain advantage over the male vampires, and she would invite many different men into her quarters. The door was closed, and sunlight crept from beneath the door, so I could guess that her and her monthly lover were watching the sun sparkle over the hilltops together. In each other's arms, folded around huge white comforters.

I sighed, wishing Maria would at least pretend to love me. Nettie had once tried to lure me into her room, but I had refused in pure fear that it would make Maria jealous. I was partly afraid by my decision, too, that Nettie would become violent.

She simply let go of my shirt collar she'd been clutching and looked away. She had muttered for me to leave, and I did so. I left quietly and told no one of the encounter. The next day, she would have a new lover, so it wasn't terrible that I had been lost.

"Rough night?" Peter asked as we climbed the spiraling stairs. I nodded, pulling myself up with the iron rail. My friend fell silent, his hand still on my shoulder.

We trudged down a few more halls before turning into Peter's quarters. He shared the room with a newborn named Brennan. Brennan was quite an odd fellow, for his mood swings were extraordinary.

He lay on an old couch pulled from a human's dumpster area. His hands were behind his head, his bare feet in the air. His eyes were closed behind his longish ashy bangs. His bangs were long, but the rest of his hair was cropped rather short. It was an odd look for this era.

Brennan was also a massive, hulking vampire. I was glad he was on our side, was all I could say. He was a fairly new vampire, but he was quite sophisticated when his moodiness was not ignited. He had almost as many scars as I did--but from his own allies. He would egg them on until a battle ensued, and anything that he emerged with all his limbs still attached counted as a win to him.

"Brennan." I said, nodding to the still figure. His red eye peeked from an plum eye lid.

"Hey, Jazz." he sighed and continued in his stillness. Peter shrugged.

"So. Anything bothering you about last night?" He crossed his arms. He was a firm believer in talking about your problems, and when he first asked about a night with Maria, I was angered that he would be so interested in what we did. But when I tasted his emotion, I felt guilty for nearly turning away a helping hand.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed--it was broken and pieced out in a long way. "She commented about the scars again."

Peter was silent for a moment, and sighed. "The gall of that woman."

I let my arms fall in defeat. Brennan was a little more tense, bothered by my unhappiness. I tucked a hair behind my ear. "It doesn't matter."

"It does, Jazz." Brennan stood. "If anyone made a comment about my scars, I would knock their lights out." He made a loud smack with his fist and palm. I smiled weakly.

"Would it make you feel better, though? Would it make it go away?" I shrugged as I questioned Brennan. I turned from my comrades.

"We have a battle today, Jasper. You should go get ready. We head out in the afternoon. We'll probably be sitting around for several hours before the ambush." Peter said quietly. I nodded and made my way for the door.

"And don't let that little witch make you feel like crap, Jazzy." Brennan called after me. I smiled a little, but it was short lived.

--...--

"I heard this region was weak." Maria assured me. I wasn't so sure about that--she was radiating nervous waves. For her to be nervous definitely said something. I shifted my weight a little as he crouched behind a huge tree. I could feel the other's emotions--fear, power, assurance. Mostly fear. They were mostly good actors--they always wore a hard exterior, fearless. I swiped a hand across my face.

"We're gonna get 'em…" Maria said for nearly the hundredth time. I guess that was her way to cope with not knowing the future. That would really be something, to see the future.

"I think I can hear them." Maria hissed at me, and I perked my ear up. I strained to hear, and eventually, I did hear some stealthy feet approaching. Maria's ears were very pin point and useful in such situations.

Hopefully, the other allies heard this, also, because we couldn't risk whispering about it--we'd be more obvious than our enemies.

I could hear them very well now. They had to be approaching the clearing that we were circled around, our glowing red eyes watching intently. I peered from behind the tree trunk as the first vampire made its way into the view.

It was a small vampire, yes. A male with buzzed-off yellow hair. I could see a spatter of oddly contrasting freckles on his nose. I nearly gasped at how young he appeared. He had to be perhaps fifteen when he was changed…my heart felt punctured.

A couple other newborns slinked in after him, all of them walking in animalistic ways. Their hands were thrust away from their long torsos, like they knew we were there. Their emotions read fairly aware, but not frightened or threatened. They didn't know of us.

"Now!" Maria hissed into my ear, and before I acted, I saw the young male twirl at her voice. His eyes were wide and thirsty for a kill. I growled deeply and launched from my hiding place.

As I barreled through the moist night air, dozens of other long, lean bodies showered the sky. I charged for the closest vampire, purposely averting from the young one. I didn't plan to kill him. Someone less sentimental would.

However, I supposed I had cut too close to the young male. He lashed out and dug his steely nails into my side as I dashed by. I bit my tongue and groaned at the sharp pain. I had to turn and face him now, for he was charging at me, his newborn eyes blazing with no thought other than to kill.

He was mindless with his attacks. I dodged him easily and grabbed him around the ribs like a sack of potatoes. I flattened my palms against his smooth bones, and twisted. It was quick, but not exactly painless. I had severed his body in half.

He fell to the ground, shrieking. I backed away, shaking my head at the painfully young boy. He had been a boy--with a life ahead of him. He never got married, got to have kids...get a job…

I raised a hand to my lips, shaking. The body bucked a little before falling still. Its eyes fluttered close, and his freckles paled in the moonlight. My throat opened to a guttural gasp of despair for this fellow, and his hellish life. I supposed ending it was a favor done for him.

"Jasper!" I heard Peter cry from across the field. I knew the tone too well. I whisked around to be face to face with three large vampires.

I was rather fast with dodging, so I was doing well for a long string of failed attacks. It was when another jumped into the mix that I was harmed. Maria seriously underestimated their size, unless she did know, but was testing her pride with her army instead. We were in way over our heads, and I didn't have the luxury of hoping for an ally to swoop in and relieve me, for many were probably in the same situation. Others wouldn't fare as well as me, and even I was getting dug into the side by an enemy.

Jaws clamped around my side, scraping against the bone. I was at least thankful that the gargantuan teeth didn't mash up my ribs. Aside from that, I was screaming in unbearable pain.

It was so unreal--the pain was taunt and unrelenting and scalding. The venom pulsed through my struggling body, and as I writhed to get away, another set of jaws crunched over my around my arm. My limb was thrown to the ground, pinned there. I arched my back and screamed even louder, in more pain and for help. Would it come? I had never been pinned with so much fear in my body before. This could be my end…

My scream was cut short when yet another row of fangs burrowed into my collar. The pain was so jarring and dizzying that I couldn't even unlatch my mouth to whimper. I lay there, my eyes wide and pasted on my killer. His shoulders hunched, and a sickening grin crossed through his lips, already peeled around my burning flesh.

My jaw dropped open, gasping for the familiar drink of air, but I found I could not. My throat was constricted as my collar filled up with venom, pure and excruciating venom. I could feel it burn though my hollow veins, racing up and down my arms, making the hot sensation spread.

This was it. I was going to be severed and burned in my enemy's fire…

The world around me was losing its vividness, it was becoming pale blues and harsh blacks. Darkness flooded the edges of my vision, crawling until it sheathed my pupils. I was alone in the darkness, unaware of the pain. It felt like I was being held by firm hands, not highly muscled jaws of steel.

I didn't feel their teeth dislodge painfully, but they had to have, because the firmness disappeared. Their teeth slipped out smoothly, my body already numbed. Isn't it ironic how pain becomes the ultimate Novocain?

"Jasper?" It was a female's voice, far away. It was so smooth and beautiful, but I still wanted to curse it for bringing me from my endless sleep. I could imagine her hand reveling towards me, to reach out and touch my mangled body. I imagined a flow of warm comfort, but when she contacted my skin, I only felt extreme pain, jarring me from my slumber.

As painful as it was, it was a natural instinct to heave up my chest, arching my back as I screamed. I still saw nothing but darkness when my eyes popped open. They drifted close in weariness, but shapes began to form then. I struggled to keep above the sleeping surface. I was there to do a job, not to sleep and be managed for like a child. But the pain was so terrible…I couldn't move.

I found I could pick out Maria's hovering face. I wanted to reach out an touch her beautiful hair, just to know it was real. That I was not dying, much as I wanted to die. How strange my mind was working…

"Here, here. Hold it. I'll get his head." Came her voice, fuzzy like a voice on a crackling radio. I moaned, trying to say her name.

Something warm touched my lips, and I realized it was blood. I immediately let Maria help me with my head, much as it pained my collar. I suckled on the opening that the blood flowed from with greed, feeling helplessly pathetic teh whole time. Gulp after gulp the body drained, though I didn't bother to open my eyes and stare at the corpse's face. I didn't want the blazing reminder of my monstrosity.

"There, there." Maria cooed, and I couldn't help but feel blissful for it. She was caring for me, me and me alone. I wanted to touch her face as badly as I wanted more blood. I opened my mouth, letting the dryness of my throat whistle in request. She didn't give me any more blood.

I felt her hand touch my forehead, then, and it was unlike any touch I had felt from her. It was radiating care and worry. I was elated to have her feel this way, and I melted at her touch. Her fingers stroked my hair, matted with blood. I attempted to swallow, but stopped in mid move at the sharp pain in the base of my neck.

"We'll get you better, Jasper. Just lie there for a while." Maria whispered into my ear. The intimacy of the gesture caused my broken heart to flutter. I wanted desperately to ask what had happened in battle then.

I rasped, trying to speak, but her finger grazed my lips, telling me to stop. I obeyed. I always did.

I think she knew what was on my mind, however. "There were many newborns, Jasper, but they were all stupid. Their attack techniques were predictable. I knew you would have fared better if not paired with several at once. I'm sorry."

I tried to shake my head, tell her it was okay. I forgave her. I wanted her touch again…

It was odd to want it now, of all times. I knew she was not normally gentle, yet I wanted to hold her and be held. I wanted…to love her? Yes, that was right. I knew she was capable of care, so I decided I did love her. She could love me back.

**_YES it is very depressing, and just a reminder...i hope u can tolerate angst! well, thanks for reading up to chapter 2!_**


	3. Lust Isn't Comfort

**_**Most of you know me from my two most successful works: 'Welcome to Forks High, Home of the Cullens' & 'Alice & Jasper's Untold Tales', right? Those are fluff...maybe not hardcore fluff, but practically anything is compared to this story. As i edit it, i'm wondering if someone is gonna flame me for being so cruel with my 'own jasper'. Yeah, it is pretty cringeworthy, and i may scare some readers off, but i just want to see how it goes. Go ahead and flame me if you want--it builds to a better story, but if you say 'get rid of all teh angst', well--i can't really do THAT. This whole story is already written down to teh final period, so i just do tweaks and pinches here 'n' there. This is for all the angst lovers! :D I myslef like a good tearjerker now and then, but trust me i'm not a creep witchling that casts spells on people and plot deaths. But i do like stephen king...you could figure that. :/ **_**

**_Ch. 3--Lust isn't Comfort_**

After what seemed decades, I managed to open my eyes and concentrate on my surroundings. I supposed I wasn't awake that whole 'few decades' of darkness, because Maria was gone.

"M--Mar--"

"Hush, my friend. Don't strain yourself." A firm hand touch my cheekbone. It didn't have the tantalizing effect that Maria's did.

"Pe--Pet--"

"Did you not hear me?" My friend hissed. I fell silent.

"You took quite a beating." Peter's voice was saddened. I managed a twitch like nod. He sighed. "Look at us." He whispered to what seemed himself. I waited in darkness.

"T--tell me what y--you see, Peter." I begged.

"I see two broken vampires that were once happy men with good families and bright futures. I see us dying in battle with nothing to be proud of. No medal of honor or someone to speak at our funerals. I see this to never end, and for us to die in a ring of firewood as jumbled pieces." His voice was sad, tired. Longing.

I let my eyes close. I tried to get my strength back to at least stand. My wounds were no longer throbbing with juicy pain and venom. They were dry of the poison. Maria must have sucked them dry already. They still hurt very much, though, so much that when I bolted upright, I winced and moaned sharply.

"Do not do that, Jasper." Peter snapped. I hissed in air and cradled my side. I didn't look at the shreds of ribbons that I felt hanging from the shirt Maria had given me that very morning.

I realized that the black sky had become yellowish with the rising sun. I blinked up at it, then realized the field's status.

Peter and I were alone.

I wished Maria was there to encourage me and support me and praise me, but I only had Peter. I immediately felt guilty for that remark, for Peter was like my brother. He was too good for me.

"You really think you can walk?" Peter asked me.

"I never said I could." I said quietly. Peter sighed.

"Well, Maria said you should. Before sunrise. Let's go."

I winced at the thought, but I winced more when the idea was put to motion. Peter looked away as he wrapped my arms around my waist, as I screamed. He gently moved his hand as to not jostle my new bite there. My arm hung limp and heavy, and I couldn't lean on Peter very efficiently with my collar torn to fleshy bits.

We staggered back in the direction of the mansion we hid out in. After a long while, Peter wordlessly heaved me on his back and booked it, even as I gasped at the sharp pain of his suddenness.

When we reached the lawn, I collapsed, finding no more strength to hold on. Peter tried to grab me, but only let his fingers brush the one place he would have snatched; my side. I was glad he let me fall, for it was far less painful than having my weight bludgeon my side wound.

I moaned pitifully in the golden grass, the sun peeking from the hilltops, the gray stormy swirls of last night lingering. Peter's eyes were saddened, and I knew I deserved the sickening pity. The emotion was so cold and pure that it made me shudder.

Peter helped me up and we limped to the door. As soon as my comrade turned the knob, several female vampires swooshed out in their petticoats and white dresses. I was so exhausted, but I could hear myself whisper, "Peter, come with me." The women gently propped me up and helped me into Maria's quarters. I didn't want to go there, I wanted to go to Peter's room. I wanted him--my best friend, to manage for me. Brennan would help, too. He was a kind fellow.

"You're in good hands, Jasper. Get better." His voice was thin and faraway. I selfishly wanted him to be around as I healed, but he had to rest, himself. He had to spend the night in an abandoned field with his nearly dead friend. That was already an amazing favor to give, but I wanted to feel his real compassion, not Maria's fake emotion.

I think at one point, the nursing vampires tried to carry me, but I already was stiff from Peter's piggy-back ride. I shouted my disagreement as my feet left the ground. They hurriedly let me back down as I gasped in pain. I was not about to be carried by a pack of lustful women. This was true--they were thinking such thoughts in my time of pain. It sickened me.

"Maria? Your soldier has arrived." One female broke from our traveling group, speaking into Maria's room. The red hues reflected off her pale face.

Maria hurried out and saw me with her wide scarlet eyes. I sighed in relief, here was Maria. "Bring him in." she said in the soft voice. I could feel her emotion, but it was much weaker than Peter's. I bit my lip.

I was shuffled into the room, and I had to feel privileged--most vampires with my type of wounds would have been left behind to die, let alone be treated in the master's quarters. The infamous silken sheets rustled against my back. I choked on air, the pain swelling every second. I knew that a few hours of stillness would steady the pain.

"Thank you, girls. You are off." Maria whispered to them, and I could feel their longing glances at me. Wishing me better, wishing I was theirs. I looked away.

The door closed with softness. I inhaled the scent of Maria all around me, shuddering.

She laid down beside me, looking at my face. I didn't look at hers. I stared at the ceiling. "Jasper." she said my name, and I could barely feel anything towards it. I couldn't risk moving. She was still. We both were. "I'll leave you now. I'll be back in a few hours. Rest."

I didn't respond. My eyes closed heavily.

I felt the bed bounce slightly as she rose from it. I heard her tiny feet patter across the room, around the bed. I heard scratching--rummaging. I didn't lift my lids.

"This will soothe you." I heard the record player's needle tinkle on the vinyl. A crackled tune rose in the air, and I was alone.

The music was violinists playing their sad songs. The mournful melody caressed the walls. The drapes. The sheets. My body. Such sad music.

So sad…

I saw black.

--...--

"Jasper?"

I opened my eyes without any sign of weariness. I supposed I was shutting out the world, so I could just come back with the blink of an eye.

Maria sat beside me, staring down at me with huge red eyes. I uncomfortably shifted around in the satin sheets. "Maria." That's all I could managed through my embarrassment.

I was undressed down to my undershorts.

Luckily, I had the sheets, but why was I undressed? I guessed Maria saw my confusion and embarrassment. "Your clothes were sort of bleeding on my sheets." She shrugged, but not in a get-over-it way. It was sort of sweet. I still shivered. I had been in these sheets this way before, but not as a weakling with a woman caring for me.

"Sorry about that." I drawled. I grimaced at my dumb accent again. Maria smiled a little.

"It's okay, but you are still a little grimy from that blood you downed." She gestured at the dried maroon blotches, infesting my skin like a second disease. The scars were my first.

I knew what she was implying, and my body was screaming no. She wanted me in the bath tub…well, you could see where her train of thought was. My body was not up for that, though I was expected to appreciate it--it was my reward. I seemed sore even when we normally were together--let alone after I was massacred.

"I'll go back to my quarters and wash up." I offered, moving around the sheets, I pulled them over myself and asked quickly, "May I borrow some clothes to walk down to my room?"

Maria rolled her eyes and laughed. "Just use mine, silly. It's right there." She pointed to the white door I had seen her retreat to so many times. I shied away from it, quite honestly. It would be a different story if Maria added to her sentence, "I'll leave you be."

She didn't add that, though.

She ripped off the covers instead. I lay there, with the sunlight streaming on my mangled body. I saw her lust flicker and then blaze at the sight of me, and she wasn't subtle about it outwards, either. Her eyes glowered and ranged over my body until I stood up.

I dashed into the bathroom and was about to jump into the tub and get it over with before she could enter, but my side protested. I gasped in pain and nearly clutched it, adding to the agony.

"Oh, God." Maria hissed, easily opening the locked door. She came up to me, placing her hands on my ribs, above the wound. I shuddered.

"Let me help you." She whispered into my back. I leaned away, but she stayed close as she helped me into the porcelain tub. The smooth surface was cold. I felt utterly vulnerable in the waterless tub, under the bright lights and Maria, whom was fully dressed. Her pity made me shiver. I hugged my knees and listened as Maria twisted the water knob.

The faucet hissed, and the water was undeniably wonderful against my bloodied and beaten skin. My eyes grazed over my forearm. Another scar to the collection…

Her hand touched my back. I pressed my forehead to my knees, silently dreading Maria, even after I had wanted her so badly in the field. I only wanted her as comfort, but I guess I knew she could never give me that, no matter how hard she tried. She couldn't fool me with fake emotion.

Her fingers grazed my bare skin, but I didn't look up. The water rose to kiss my arm, and it stung for a moment, then simply felt nice and hot. I sighed and finally let myself melt.

I was very careful as I leaned against the tub's lip. My head fell back as I inhaled the steamy air that rose around me. I guess I forgot Maria was there until she touched me again.

She touched my shoulder, caressing it. Her lust was heightening, becoming impossible to ignore. "Maria, not now." I whispered. I closed my sore lids, wishing she could understand, just this once.

"What do you mean?" she squeaked.

"I told you I can feel other's emotions." I snapped, my eyes popping open in frustration. It faded to fear. My collarbone throbbed.

Maria fell silent. "Don't you think we deserve it?"

I closed my eyes, massaging my temples. Her hand tugged at my wrist until I gently pried it from her. "Please, Maria. I'm still so sore." My voice didn't sound like my own. It was cracked with pain and whispery soft. Begging.

"I've had a bite before. They shouldn't hurt anymore." She said coldly.

"These were very deep. Plus, the venom pooled in my veins before being removed." I shot back. The water suddenly felt freezing.

Maria's breath was hot on my neck.

"I created you."

I didn't answer, for I was frightened.

"You do as I say. Normally, you always obey me."

I swallowed, my collar swelling. "Maria…"

A hand slapped over my mouth, and one of my most hellish nights began.

**_**Dun Dun Dun Dun DUNNNNNN**_**


	4. Loss

**_**This is a rough one on Jazzy, but there's always a light at the end of a very narrow, dank, smelly tunnel. We'll get there. Promise! Oh, and you who are slightly squeamish of Jasper-angst or startled by Maria's EViLNeSS, You may have trouble stomaching the beginning scene. Enjoy...?**_**

**_**AND i would love to shout out to .Hope.44 for being my 'shrink' in this situation. She gave me great advice and you should all know that she is made of AWESOME! This chapter: dedicated to her and her helpfulness and fun stories--but i dunno if she really wants a chappie like this dedicated. I'll save you a happy one, girrlll! :D**_**

**_Ch. 4--Loss_**

I guess her anger and lust overshadowed all of my own emotions, but I twisted her intensity to at least match my own, to not become lost in her fury also.

She had forced herself into the tub, soaking her dress. She had burrowed her knee into my side, and I had cried out in pain, but she silenced me with her hand. I couldn't understand why she was making this so terrible for me. I had endured this pain for her, and now, of all times, she wants me. She's wanted me before, and it has always been a chore to nod and bite my tongue, but this was impossible.

My hands rose to defend myself, but she gripped them with terrible anger and smashed them into the tub's lips. My forearm seared with fresh pain, and I twisted from her in desperation.

The water, pink with old human blood, sloshed on the floor as I struggled beneath her. Any other day I would easily toss her off, but my bites were hissing with heated pain.

Her arms were wrapping around me, pinning me. Her hands were all over me, and I tried to holler, but she only gagged me with her tiny fingers. I inhaled air, struggling to get out of the water, away from Maria.

Somehow, I managed to make a crevice in the tub so she slid in beside me. I clawed at the dry edges, trying to escape her fingers. At one point, I felt her nails rake across my back, leaving slashes in my already misshapen skin texture. I arched my back and hollered, letting my hands lash out in claws. I fell from the tub, sprawling on the tiles. I snatched a towel and tried my best to cover myself, for I was planning to make a run for Peter's room, where I would at least have back up.

I burst through the bathroom door, but my blasted side shot with fresh pain. I gasped and fell to the floor, crumpling like a scarecrow.

I squinted into the light, and saw Maria standing above me.

My breathing was heavy and ragged as I feared what she would do. She stared at me, which seems like nothing, but to me, it was agonizing.

She felt such burning and disgusted pity for me that I writhed under her eyes. She scoffed at me and whisked out of her bedroom. The door slammed, and I lay there, on her floor. Water puddled around me as I lay on my back, which stung with fresh wounds. The towel draped across my hips, damp and sorry. I was a disgrace. I let my eyes fall close.

Peter found me very soon after, I supposed that Maria had gone to him and asked for him to get his sorry friend. I could tell he was trying to mask his true pity. I asked for a moment as I retched on my hands and knees, wishing for vomit to come out and relieve me. I was still making desperate guttural noises down the hall, wrapped in a robe Peter had brought.

Peter lay me on the grimy couch in his quarters. I couldn't tell if Brennan was there, lurking in the shadows, trying to hide his pity, or if he was just gone. I shivered beneath a blanket. I was amazed that a vampire could blank out so much. I hardly ever had before until today. It'd been three times today.

"Jasper?" Peter's concerned voice intended to be kind and comforting, but it was like nails raining upon me. The pity, the sadness, all for my broken down state. What a sight I must have been, still trying to puke out my problems while I was wrapped in a wet and borrowed robe on a moldy couch. I coughed violently before Peter continued.

"I have to tell you something." He knelt beside me, to meet my eye level. For a moment I was taken aback by his sudden nervousness. Why should he be? He should feel pity and anger at me. My back stung, laced with the dull pounding of a bruise.

"I am leaving this place."

I swallowed and scrambled to sit up, digging my elbows into the mushy cushions. I felt my chest begin to heave and fall monstrously. What did he say? He couldn't have said…but his emotions were so gritty and raw and--

"No! Peter, you cannot leave me here!" I snarled desperately under my breath as I balled my fist around his crisp shirt collar. His eyes suggested that he suspected this would be my reaction, considering how crazed I probably looked. He sighed and gently pried my fingers from his shirt. I wasn't calmed.

I sat up, and I suddenly felt rather small in the navy blue and dampened fabric that hugged me. It fell around my bare shoulders in thick, heavy folds as I became animated with disagreement. I was panting heavily as the possible results of being alone here weighed in my brain…

"Jasper! Easy! Calm down." Peter's reassuring hands touched my shoulders, letting me sink into the pitiful couch. "Nothing is set in stone."

I shook my head. "You cannot leave me!" The thoughts of leaving Maria's quarters every morning without him to lead me back to sanity was mind jarring. He bit his lip.

"It's not certain, Jasper. I'm sorry I worried you."

I found that my strength to speak had vanished. I shivered in the wet robe and let my eyes close.

"We have n-newborn…d-duty tonight." Peter stood up and fidgeted with his shirt. I opened my eyes, feeling them burn. His sudden dread prickled my skin, but I didn't want to ask what was wrong. I turned my neck to face away.

"Borrow some of my clothes and meet me in the cellar at sundown. You know the drill." Peter whispered and left me. The door clicked ominously, leaving me in the cold room. Brennan was not there.

After a few moments of sitting in the robe's wetness, I stood up and let it fall to the ground. My back still smarted, but I did not want to inspect it in the mirror right now. I didn't have a mirror in my own room for obvious reasons, and usually Peter was there to steer me from his own. I grimaced and walked to it, unable to break away.

I looked at myself, and felt shame burn in my face. The scars were every where--absolutely every where. Like a disease, rendering me a disturbing sight. I slowly turned my trembling body to look at my back.

My skin looked yellowish in the pale light that escaped into the room. The deep shadows threw darkness around my scars. Four long gnashes reached from my left shoulder blade to my right hip. I stepped away, my feet clumsy and heavy. I masked my face with a hand as to not meet my own agonized eyes.

I stumbled to Peter's drawers and rummaged through until I found a suitable outfit. I didn't bother to perfect the buttons--I missed a few and they were uneven, but would newborns on death row really care?

I ran a hand through my still matted hair and opened the door, letting the stinging light wash over me. The fluorescents made me feel like I was in some sort of insane asylum. To be locked away with only myself…would that be better or worse? I went down the hall in silence as vampires walked the halls around me, not stopping to speak to each other or glance at anything but what was in front of them.

--...--

I looked over to Peter to see he was grimacing. I felt my spine go rigid as I continued to dump the severed limbs into the fire. I supposed the smell of burning vampire flesh was not appealing, but Peter never had such a reaction to it. Earlier, he had stopped dumping to rub his temples and sigh. I had wondered what was wrong, after all,_ I_ was having a lot of problems around here.

"That's the last of that one. Bring in the next one, will you, Peter?" I asked emotionlessly. Peter called up the dank staircase.

I heard the door creak open, and suddenly, the room swirled with fear. I straightened at the sudden change--the newborns didn't know what was to become of them; why was there fear?

I realized that it was Peter's fear. "Peter...?" My voice shook, and I turned to look at him, but he wouldn't meet my eyes.

His gaze was upon the newborn descending the stairs.

She was a thin thing, and rather tall for a female--probably reaching Peter's same height. Her hair was very vibrant, even under the dim light of the cellar. It sparkled orange with near magenta slashed into it. Her eyes were very large and innocent, and Peter's next emotion explained it all to me.

Love.

That's what I had to call it, for I had barely ever felt it before. Only once did I feel it before now, and it was diminished because of me.

I had been out hunting, when I found two people on a trail. I sought them out, but before their delicious blood lured me into insanity, I felt the soothing and warmth radiating from them.

I had crouched behind a tree, the thirst burning a hole in my throat, and I truly did not want to kill this couple. They were holding hands, looking at each other in a way I had never seen.

I had blinked and then leaned forth to relish more of this new emotion, but found myself over their dead bodies. I had killed them with no evidence but a slightly quenched thirst and the bruising and pounding fear they had felt as I had struck them inside my head.

I blinked now, but this love remained, clogging the room. Peter acted quickly, taking advantage of my stunned state. He dashed to the rear exit door and tore it open. The cool fall wind crept inside at first, then blew around me, tugging at my hair and Peter's own shirt.

"Run, Charlotte!" he bellowed, and even I was partially taken aback by this female's beauty. Her silken dress became a blur around her as she darted down the stairs with nimble feet. She whooshed out of the door and was gone into the black night. I gasped, suddenly able to move.

"Peter." I whispered as my friend turned to me with apologetic eyes. I could feel his sorrow, but I could also feel the unrelenting love he'd had to hide for so long. We stared at each other for the longest time it seemed, when he looked away and whispered just loud enough for me, "I am sorry my friend. Do not come after us, I beg of you. Maria will--" he swallowed with pain.

I shook my head slowly, as he watched with wide eyes…he believed I was saying I would tell Maria. I straightened. "You are safe, Peter."

His fear cleansed to relief, and he turned to the open door.

I ran to him then, and embraced my true friend. He had been so kind to me, and never jealous when Maria favored me best. He knew I didn't want it that way, and he would always help me through.

"Good bye." I hissed into his ear as I hugged him. I felt him nod, and he was gone.

The door slammed shut, and I was alone with only the sound of the fire crackling to be company. The reality burned more that the piercing venom. I wasn't sure how Peter viewed me, for certain, but I loved him like a brother. We were so alike, and we looked after each other. What ever drew ourselves to each other was beyond me--I was a mangled general that stood at the leader's side like a lapdog while he was an intelligent and strong vampire that always knew the correct path.

Everything felt bitterly cold, and it almost felt like I had just watched Peter die on the battlefield. I supposed I should have taken his earlier warning more seriously, but I had foolishly decided to block it out after my depressed state. Of course he would want to leave--especially if he had a love. I couldn't help but be envious…it was what I had wanted for so long.

Most male vampires longed for the lust part, and I had that, but that didn't make me feel complete. That didn't make me smile when I stirred in her bed. It didn't make me fight with more meaning, knowing I had to keep alive for someone special.

I don't know how long I stared at the door, but after a while the cellar door creaked open and footsteps clomped on the sour wooden stairs. I rolled up my sleeves and turned to face the next newborn I would have to kill.

Alone.


	5. Without a Comrade

**_**So i know jazzy had a rough time last update, but it's slowly getting better. Actually, we are flying through this story so quick that i might be leaking less...long chapters. Maybe. Anyway, i think you will like this one. Hopefully! **_**

**_Ch. 5--Without a Comrade_**

After Peter had left, I changed. I became more tolerant to Maria's little affection games, for I knew he wouldn't be there to talk to afterwards. Brennan didn't hang around the house anymore, either. His free time was spent hunting or whatever else the forest held for a vampire. I only saw him on the battlefield, being a mindless killer.

Maria would reward me for my good attacks and such, and I tried my very best to see it as the opposite of a punishment. After a couple nights, she would even let me stay after the sun rose for a while. We never talked in the daylight, in the pools of scarlet silk, but I assumed that was a good thing. What would I say to her?

I decided that we would never be lovers in the sense of the emotion. I don't think anybody loved her like that--only in lust, and I didn't even partake in that.

It was not long until Maria changed as well.

Her emotions were bitter and big headed and power hungry. I tried not to notice, but it became painfully clear one night as I spoke to Nettie and Lucy.

"Jasper Whitlock?"

I stopped in the hallway and immediately straightened at the sound of a female's voice. Lucy was leaning out from Nettie's room, her silky white-blonde hair tumbling over her shoulder. I could taste her unease. "Yes, Ma'am?" I asked politely.

She smiled for a moment. "Come in. We must speak with you."

I did so, but I couldn't help but feel worried. Was this another plat to seduce me…?

"Have you felt anything odd or new around Maria? Emotions, I mean." Lucy asked me fiercely. I clamped my jaw and couldn't help but remember the way she felt around these two very women.

Thirsty for power. Plans of betrayal.

"We need to know, Jasper. Is she planning to harm us?" Nettie rushed to Lucy's side. Their eyes were huge and red and hypnotizing, and I could only say, "Perhaps."

They could see I wasn't about to give away much more, because I was Maria's lap dog, after all. They sent me out.

I sat on Maria's bed, waiting for her. She was in the bathroom. I couldn't help but feel those bitter emotions more and more frequently, and it worried me, to be quite honest. Why was she thinking that around me--her lover? It didn't make sense. Nothing did anymore.

The door softly creaked open, and she pattered across the wood floor silently. She wore a sheer white robe type of thing--her favorite. She thought it was mine, too, but she was wrong. Nothing looked good on her anymore.

I looked away and did not speak as she tore at my buttons. I closed my eyes and let my mind escape the horrid blood-red room as she laid me down. I bit my lip as I felt her hands on my skin. It was a long night, and I could only feel her barreling lust and my own shame.

--...--

The morning sunshine was rather gorgeous, and warm, too. I supposed I should be happy, but I could barely notice the brightness…and there hadn't been an attack in weeks. I was getting used to greeting the days without the stiff pain of the bites.

Maria had gone. She would often do that these days--leave me in my zombie like state. I wasn't much of a conversation anymore, not that we ever spoke in the mornings in her scarlet bed sheets.

It must have tapped five times before I recognized it. Someone was tapping at the window. I stiffly rose and ghoulishly floated to the sill, barely caring that I only bore a sheet around me.

When I saw who it was, all the emotions I had left behind pounded my body, but not in a bad way.

"Peter!"

My friend perched outside, his fingers digging into the wood sill. He smiled, then rose his eyebrows at my appearance. I could care less. My friend was back.

"Peter! Come in, come in!" I grabbed his wrists and hauled him in, even as he nervously looked around for Maria. I suppose I was too excited about his arrival to tell him she wasn't around.

"Where have you been, my friend? Tell me of your life." The happiness I hadn't felt in so long was so pleasing. I could feel my eyes sparkle--could feel Peter's amusement as I changed from an empty shell to excited adult vampire.

He smiled. It was something I missed. "Charlotte and I have a great life, Jasper."

"Charlotte is your…mate." I said, pleased I could recall that from that bleak night. He nodded.

He leaned forth, his eyes burning. This emotion, it was again a pleasant first. "You are very happy, Peter." I noted.

"Come with me, Jasper."

I was silent. I blinked, and suddenly took in what I was. A vampire dressed in his mistress's red sheets, and this vampire despised every night wit her. I yanked the sheet upwards more.

"It is so much better, my friend. No wars. Peace…Charlotte and I have a nice home and we can feed well without getting discovered--"

"Wait…the feeding." I whispered. Even before he left, he knew I had trouble with that. It had grown worse, actually, and I had to take a few hours to myself to recollect myself from the raw emotions my prey felt. He nodded.

"We will help take care of you, Jasper. Wouldn't you like to be among friends, and not Maria?"

My eyes locked to his. His were red and sincere--it was different than Maria's.

"Take me there."

He did.

**_**Yayyyy Jasper has a happy moment for once!**_**


	6. Could One Love This?

**_**Here we go again! I'm not going to give much away in the intro...i'll just say read and please do enjoy! I enjoy your reviews--you are all amazing readers!!**_**

**_Ch. 6--Could One Love This?_**

The snow outside fell softly, unlike the blizzards we'd been having. The window sill was cool to the touch, but somehow, I couldn't feel it. I just knew.

I thought that getting away from Maria would be a new start. A new life. A happy one…but I was wrong. As the days passed, I grew thirstier and thirstier, and I couldn't feed. I couldn't. I wouldn't bring myself to do it.

I fed last month, and barely got through that. Peter and Charlotte had found me in the city, in an alley way, dazed with dry bodies beside me. They had scolded me at first for foolishly laying out among humans, but by the time we got home, they were worried sick. Their worry was so huge and terrible. It pounded inside my brain and scratched and my skull. I could find no relief--they thought that tending for me would help out, but it worsened. My head was so huge with the imagined swelling that I couldn't tell them this. I grimaced and endured their chattering and pacing over me.

I had laid on their couch beside the fire, remembering the encounter. It wasn't avoidable.

I had to be cursed, for as I had laid in the alleyway that night, I knew that the next human pedestrians would not live. It just had to be a couple, didn't it?

The woman was hissing at the man that they were late for something. I couldn't help but check my watch--it was midnight. I could afford to listen to the conversation from afar before their blood got to me. I couldn't run. My thirst was too painful.

"Sweetheart, they won't mind if we are fashionably late." the male had replied, and I could hear the sappy humor in his voice. I was now trying to get away…I was writhing in my place on the pavement. If I could just sit still while they passed, I could wait for an old man…or--

"Oh, honey. Look at that man."

I flinched at the concern my prey had for me. I wanted to turn away, but the fresh night breeze carried her scent to me. I was on my feet, fueled only by the animal inside of me.

"The fella looks homeless. Hey, do you need a buck, sir?" the man whispered to his girlfriend, then hollered over to me. I cringed, clawing at my pant legs…how I wished I could get away…

He was approaching--he was a fool--! I couldn't smell anything but--

Love.

It had stopped me in my tracks, and I couldn't help but be pummeled by the emotion. Even as it was mingled with slight fright of me, it was strong. It was so pleasant…then…it was gone.

I blinked, looking down. I slowly collapsed with fatigue and the painful fear that rushed through my sore body. I lay down with the corpses and sobbed myself unmovable. Peter and Charlotte had found me not much longer after.

"Jasper?"

I jumped, and Charlotte immediately fretted. "I'm sorry, Jasper. I didn't mean to startle you--"

She shouldn't even have to apologize. Vampires never jumped out of fright. They were always supposed to know when they were not alone. They were supposed to be in tune with their senses. They were not supposed to be blinded by thirst.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes as Charlotte's feeble apologies tapered off.

"Jasper, will you come sit by the fire with me?"

I obeyed.

I always did.

I fought the urge not to fall to the ground at the painful reminder. I stumbled to the couch, gripping the plush arm with more strength I thought capable. Charlotte sat down, but turned to me when the fabric seams of the couch popped. I shakily touched the stuffing that was gushing out. "It's alright, Jasper." I heard her say. I kept a hand on it even as I sat down. I kneaded it with trembling fingers. I broke everything I touched. Ruined everything.

Her hand met my shoulder, and I tried to stop my jittery movements. I tried to face her.

"Wh--where's Peter?" I whispered. She sighed.

"Out hunting." I nodded.

"He asked me if I thought you'd like to go, but…"

I closed my eyes.

"Jasper, I think you need help." Her voice was careful.

"If you cannot help me, I don't think anyone can." I couldn't help but say. It was more bitter than I had intended. She was silent.

"I'm not sure if we can, Jasper. That's just it. Who can?" Her voice was so soft and hurt. So like my own. I looked at her fully.

Her eyes were glittering in the fire. The warmth and soot filled the air, making for a cozy atmosphere. It was a little hot for my taste. I didn't like it. Her hair was pulled over one shoulder, cascading down to her hip. Her nose was narrow, her eyes wide, her lips full yet petite. Her hair glittered where the pinkish magenta was shot through. I could see why Peter loved her.

"You are staring." Her voice wasn't offended, but amused.

"Forgive me." My accent filled the room, and I cursed it once again. She smiled, and amusement replaced worry a little. It was rather refreshing. I sat up and faced her.

"That's what you need." She spoke sort of to herself, but I still asked, "What?"

She clasped her hands, her eyes wide as if she knew the answer. "You need a mate."

My hope in her epiphany died. I sighed, my shoulders slumping. I shook my head. "No."

"But why?" She leaned forward, her fingertips touching my shoulder blade. I gently pulled away.

"No female would find attraction in me." I said coldly, scooting away from her. She frowned.

"And why not? You are a wonderful man. You are gentle and thoughtful, and--"

"Deformed." I spat. She shrank away, her hands burrowing into each other. She didn't meet my gaze. It pierced into her pale face.

"Jasper, don't say things about yourself. It's only a few bites, nothing too bad." She shrugged and smiled. I nearly scoffed. She had only seen my face, after all. Would Peter be such a fool as to not mention it? Why would I only have a few scars on my face? My body was not immune! Couldn't you figure the scar consistency by the several already shown when I wore long-sleeved shirts?

"Charlotte, I have more. You have to have assumed that." My voice cracked. I turned away and bit my fist. I shivered as I tried to regain control over my own emotions.

"Jasper, people don't care about scars if--"

I made her back away by harshly swirling around, my shirt sleeves cuffed up to the elbows. I held them out, letting the fire dance upon the upraised shapes. There were so many--I was perhaps showing her a hundred right there alone. "Look! This is what a woman would have to come to me and see. She would lay down with me in bed and look at my body. She would be appalled and leave me. Everyone leaves me--because I am a filthy animalistic monster. I have the scars to prove it."

I realized I had been shouting at Charlotte, for once I quieted, her fear was so great that I had to leave at that instant. I tore my sleeves back down and stormed out of the house as the fear nipped at me the whole way. It was so bitter and stinging--I found relief only once I found fresh air.

The snow fell from the skin, spiraling in the blue wind torrents. It fell peacefully, carelessly. It disappeared in the mounds all around me--alabaster and glittering beneath the house lights. My own agony overshadowed my thirst for the moment. I could feel the white flakes touching my hair, clinging.

I held out my hand in slight wonder--I had seen snow before, yes, but I always found it so relatable. White and cold. Like me.

Flakes touched my hand, laid inside my palm. They didn't melt. My brilliantly intense eyes picked up the designs of each, and I marveled at the differences. There were so many--it was moments like these when I appreciated the world. It had to be an acceptable place if it had such beauty as this.

I poked my finger in the tiny pile, gently rummaging through the different flakes. As the pile grew so I couldn't distinguish anything but plain patterns, I let my hand and its contents fall.

I stared into the blackening night. I watched the snow fall, and I became intoxicated by the beauty around me. All the beauty I had known was evil…except for Charlotte, who was simply unattainable. I didn't feel that way towards her anyway, and nor did she. She only longed for Peter. How I envied my friend.

I warily let my fingertips brush over my wrists, bumping over a scar. I closed my eyes and touched my skin. Smoothness…a scar. Soft…hard and cold ridges. I gently rolled up my sleeve and stared at it, thoughtlessly.

That was _my_ skin. Those terrible designs where _permanent_, and they would be the reason I would die alone, perhaps of thirst. Perhaps of other vampires. I had tossed around the idea of begging for death. I wouldn't ask Peter and Charlotte, of course. Could one die of self-loathe? That would be the suitable death for me…Jasper Whitlock.

Flakes clung to my eyelashes. I didn't brush them away, even when they weighed down enough to mar my vision. I sat in the snow, yet I didn't feel the cold wetness beneath me. I sat there until the sun rose.

**_**Jasper is having a moment. Sorry we are going back to depressed, alone Jasper, but it will all be okay! I promise you!!**_**


	7. Nothing Short of Angels

**_**I think this will be a pretty good read after all that Jazzy heartbreak. Please do enjoy...one of my favorites when writing! Hopefully you will feel the same and understand why!**_**

**_Ch. 7--Nothing Short of Angels_**

I left a note, I was that level-headed, at least. I didn't want to speak to them face to face. I suppose that was cowardice, but I couldn't handle their sympathy anymore. It was killing me, not literally...but it still hurt.

I slipped the note beneath the door jamb from outside. Luckily, Charlotte had left her sketch tablet outside. She enjoyed drawing, and her art made me feel somewhat happy. I knew Peter urged her to continue after he saw life flicker in my eyes at the sight of her pencil strokes. It was rather ironic that what I had come to like in her art made me depressed once again. When I would find her, she would ask if I would like for her to draw. I could see she didn't feel like it, and the pictures would never come out right. It was just another attempt to make me happy.

As I had reached for the book, slightly damp even as it lay under the patio table, I flipped through for a black page. That's when I saw it.

A picture of me.

At first I was amazed by the detail, then horrified. Who was this? When I found it was me, I slunk to the floor and stared at it for a long, long while. It was just a close-up drawing; head and shoulders. I wished it wasn't, for this captured everything I felt so perfectly that it hurt.

The person in the sketch's eyes were so…sad. Even though Charlotte had tried to make it look happy and appealing, my true depression seeped through the page. I could see smudges on it where she decided that putting a fakely happy face on me wasn't right--that she should just go with my real appearance--rugged and shameful. Surely it wasn't meant to be seen.

I tried my best to keep my emotions hidden. Obviously, I failed at that. I tore my eyes from the page and ripped a new clean sheet from the book, with Charlotte's words ringing in my head...how I should get a mate. I looked into the sky, looked at its hugeness. Could there me someone out there--? It was hardly possible, I chided myself for allowing myself to believe I could ever be loved like that. No--I hardly deserved it after all the hellish deeds I had done.

But...to come home to a mate--no, no...a _love_. To have her smile at me and radiate those lovely emotions, to feel her hands on my face, cradling it as her lips met mine. No, no. I could never...never get that.

I snatched up the charcoal lying beside the booklet and slashed out the sentences I intended to say.

_Dearest Peter and Charlotte,_

_I know I wasn't the best to have around. I know I dampened moods and ruined days, but please know it was never on purpose. Just know I apologize for my behavior, but please also understand. When something dies, all the fear it has ever felt is intensified in one moment. And I share that moment with my prey every single time I feed. I don't know if you ever knew the full extent of my personal feeding process, but it isn't pleasant._

_Thank you so much for helping me, however. Don't think I am leaving you because you couldn't help. You tried all you could, but I need to go off on my own now. I have burdened you enough. And don't say that I didn't--that I was totally fine by being a mindless shell. I know it's not right. I can feel it from you, not to be rude, but to be truthful._

_Peter, you were always my dearest friend. I know I am not exactly the most pleasant companion, but I would be a far worse being without you. Sometimes you underestimate your impact on me. Those years with Maria rendered me empty, for I only knew her fake emotion. I wanted your true compassion more than anything back then._

_Charlotte. You are also a dear, dear friend, and I am terribly sorry for the way I acted in front of you. It was rude and uncalled for--I was blaming you for my own problems, when you only wanted to help me. Thank you for your concern, but please understand that perhaps I am meant to be alone. You are meant to be with Peter, and I should only try to tend to myself for now. I know you only long to help. You are a gorgeous person, and Peter is lucky to have you. I myself am blessed to know you._

_I leave you with this, my friends. I am not exactly a whole person--vampire, that is, but I would be a whole lot less without you two. Bless you both. People and legends may say that vampires are demons, but you are nothing short of angels._

_-Jasper Whitlock_

I stood up from the door where I had pushed it under. I was satisfied with it out of my hands, so I couldn't revise and scribble anything else out. The snow was still falling.

I had nothing to take with me--only the clothes on my back, which were technically Peter's, but I am sure he wouldn't mind after all the grief I had already put him through.

I turned to the sun, for it was rising. The night had seemed long and filled with my own self loathe. I hoped I could at least put that away for now.

I stood against the sun, simply a silhouette. My lanky and broken frame--black against the pale yellow light of the rising sun. The flakes were becoming slushier--less artistic in their patterns. I looked away from the sky, and set my sight only for the road ahead.

"Jasper!"

I was tempted to dash off at that second, but once I turned to Charlotte, I found that she had no intention of stopping me. The letter was clutched in her hand, her eyes wide. They would pool with tears if able. The parchment, wrinkled with moisture, was pressed against her breast as she slowly exited her house. Her long flowing skirt whispered across the white floor.

We looked at each other for a long while. She cocked her head and smiled. Actually smiled. Yet, I knew she wasn't joyous for my departure, but for my own decision. I wasn't a lifeless shell, and I was doing something that was right for me and me alone.

She pushed her hair from her face, her eyes glowing. Her tiny feet brought her to me. I stood stiffly and watched her with expectant eyes. Still clutching the paper, she gripped my shoulders lightly. She kissed my cheek, and then my mouth with soft friendship, having to stand on her toes. She leaned away, the sunlight lacing in her irises.

"I wish you the best, Jasper Whitlock." she said softly. I could feel her gentle sobs coming in.

"Thank you so much, Charlotte." I managed.

"Will we ever see you again? Do you think?" Her wide eyes, fringed with ebony, bore into mine. I told her the truth.

"I cannot be sure."

With that, she broke from me and nodded. She walked back to the house. I continued to make my distance between this kind home longer.

--...--

That day I left, I never in a million years would believe that I was going to find the one that would help me piece my life back together.

I was a vampire, and I had weaker limits than others, mostly emotionally. I wished there was a way to have an easier life, but I barely dwelled on that because I knew there had to be no such thing. I would die soon of starvation or depression, if possible. That thought was more comforting than: what if not? I could wander the world forever, always starving and bruised from the fearful emotions of my on-lookers.

I knew it wasn't terribly smart to dash into a small diner full of hot blooded humans, but who would simply pass a half-insane stranger standing alone in the pouring rain? I vaguely saw the yellow lights, but I mostly smelled the blood around me. I was starving, but nearly too fatigued to obey it, though I was meant to obey _anything_.

The moment was so blurred, clouded by my wavering vision. I was literally dead on my feet, a corpse among fresh hot bodies. The water soaked me, so I stood there, puddling on the grimy yellow linoleum. I couldn't hear the soft water falling from my frame, not did I hear the humans' happy voices rise to the heated ceiling. Cigarette smoke scented the air, mingling with the greasy fry smell and human aroma. The humans also reeked of sweat and overly caked-on powders and perfumes. It clogged my throat, rendering it nearly numb.

That's when she must have seen me, when I was practically swaying on my feet, about to crumple right there. I thought I was strong enough to leave Peter and Charlotte, but now, when I fed, I simply had no one to take care of me. It was not an advantage at all. I was thinking of this...and then I heard it.

_"You've kept me waiting a long time."_


	8. Merciful Angel

**_**Yayyy! Sorry for the cliffie of the last chapter, but i hope this makes up for it; i could hardly wait to release it!! Hope you all enjoy it--writing it out, i sure did! :D I think we all know who that little angel voice belonged to...**_**

**_Shoutout to HonourDesperation for your awesomely helpful feedback. I wish you had amazing Edward mind reading powers so you could preread my chapters and tell me the most creative routes to take. Well, i did incorporate a little snippet of your suggestions--the most i could do. Thanks a ton for the helpful review!_**

**_Another shout out to ekp95m, whom i haven't seen much of, but sent an amzing review that really touched me! Go read it after this chapter--it is soooo poetic! Thanks for that review--i will remember it for a long time!! Meant alot alot alot!_**

**_Oh, and one more thing--i've been getting reviews asking for longer chapters. Sorry if they are a tad short, always around 1,500 to 2,000 words...but it's all typed up already and i am just trying to distribute them evenly. Pace myself, y'know? I'll try to add more stuff in when i edit, deal? :D_**

**_Ch. 8--Merciful Angel_**

A haze had washed over my eyes--leaving my nose as sensitive as ever. The scent of rushing human blood stained them, made me cringe inwardly. It burned like acid--washing down my throat. Just before I had heard her first words, I had been eyeballing an old man sitting at the bar. He was old--he was through with life, I could somehow lure him into the dark alley...if we even made it that far.

Why I would wonder about this man after the moment I heard the voice was...the thought of killing him became the farthest thing in my mind. The voice washed clear of my ravenous thoughts, leaving only a subtle burn. I was so amazed that I had been so easily distracted.

It was such a beautiful voice, warm and comforting--something that was nearly exotic to me--and I scrambled to match it to a face. Surely it was just as lovely. I tried to banish away the fog sheathed over my wary eyes. Was it an angel, come to mercy me and my pitiful life? Was she about to beckon to me with a slender finger, her face glowing amidst a white aura? Was she an angel of death, perhaps? I wouldn't care if she was...to spend my last moments of life with her would be the best thing to ever happen to me.

I could imagine her floating towards me, her face peach and aglow as the humans went about sipping their sluggish, muddy coffee and smoking their stubby dirty cigars. Even if they didn't know she was there, they were more blessed than they could ever believe.

My eyes finally adjusted, and there she was. It _was_ an angel.

Her eyes were huge and lovely. The candles and drinking glasses--everything shiny, reflected from them. They were so deep and intriguing…and golden. I quickly whiffed her. Yes, definitely vampire. But why did she have golden eyes?

The way she glanced back, with almost an awe puzzled me. Why should she be intrigued in any way to me? I was a rugged demon, really, flecked with the scars to prove it, marked with the horrid memories. I'm sure she had taken other men like me from the world.

I was blinking in utter shock at this beauty, and I had to recall her words to answer. "I'm sorry, ma'am." That dreaded Texas drawl betrayed me again, before this _angel_. I was horrified. I longed so much to reach out and touch her--may it be that she was here to kill me, I could care less. If she was an illusion, so be it--I may as well take advantage of my better hallucinations.

Imagine my utter shock and excitement when she held her hand out to me. I knew I shouldn't--should I? What could happen? At that thought, Maria's face flashed into my mind. She had been beautiful…innocent looking…

But that cream-colored palm was so beautiful. I could gaze upon it for years and still find joy in its sight. The creases were so clean and delicate, her skin so porcelain and thin. It was absolutely breath-taking. As I dug my grimy hand from its soggy coat pocket, I felt it. For only the third or so different time in my life, I felt love.

This was so different, though. Not like I saw it between my prey or even Peter and his mate. It was flowing through my veins, circling my hollowed arteries with warm, colorful emotion. It was delicious and numbing and addicting, I thirsted for it more than any blood I'd ever smelled.

I was so entranced by it, that when I came to, my hand was in hers. It felt like heaven. Her skin was so silky, making Maria's seem calloused. Her touch was so soft, rendering Peter's concerned prods like punches. I nearly melted right then and there--collapse in front of them all, for this love I was feeling from her was so huge and amazing, unlike anything I had felt.

"Come with me." I heard her voice; I longed to respond, but my eyes were closed, my body light with confused bliss. I let myself be carefully led outside, even as the rain poured on and on around me. I didn't feel it, even when I heard the bus shriek its honk and splash me with gallons of filthy gutter water. It was almost like her emotion had created a protective barrier around me, and I was, for once--invincible.

I could care less, but by the sound of the angel's gasps, she cared about me. That was all the more reason to fall over. I was shocked by her feelings, for I was a strggler in her glorifying presence, and the barreling water hadn't exactly helped.

The water pooled in my eyes, my head was prodded by cobblestones. "Jasper? Are you alright?"

She said my name. I hadn't told her my name.

I was deeply confused, but too rubber-like to respond. I tilted my head, letting the water drain from my eyes like tears.

I felt her hand on my arm then, and I could barely keep my eyes open. Every touch was a caress, leaving me feeling drowsy in bliss. It was a great feeling, but I didn't want to be some sort of zombie in front of this woman. I struggled to prop myself up, and she helped me. _She_ helped _me_.

It was now that my daze faded, rather quickly and harshly. The cold water's bits of dirt grounded against my hard flesh. The stones jutted up into my back, and I had to reach up to brush away the hair matted over my eyes. My labored breathing, full of sudden unease, was silenced when the angel used her own hand to push away the hair. Her touch was so wonderful--both warm and dry and soft and beautiful. Had there ever been a touch like it? I thought not.

"W--who are you?" My words were broken and soft through my frozen lips. In the darkness, I could only make out a silhouette, but when another car honked by, the headlights threw over her face.

This face amazed me to silence. My joints locked, and I was practically pinned to the stones. This face made Maria's look apish and ugly. I never thought I could say that, but it was plainly true.

Her lips were deep burgundy, her skin milky crystal white. I could see no pores or scathes across the delicious planes of her face.

Her eyes were dressed in soft brown hues, and her eyelashes were long and inky black. Her eyes were wide--the first thing I had ever seen of her. Those beautiful butterscotch eyes; they seemed to glow and glisten like a rising sun even now in the filthy streets.

Her jet black hair was tugged by the growing wind, and plastered to her beautiful face by the soaking rain. Her clothes hung upon her body in huge soggy folds, and I couldn't help but notice the subtle curve of her hip. Under her large clothes, I could see she had a beautiful body, which seemed only fitting for an angel, of course.

I tried to adjust myself once more. I waited, trying not to become lost in her orb-like eyes.

"My name is Alice." She said, barely audible in the fierce screeches of the storm. Her face angled to the sky, which was growing darker and darker. The gray clouds of that evening were now angry and harsh stains of ebony. The white rain droplets pelted us, leaving us in freezing clothes. The people in the broken down cars with rickety spokes looked at us with disbelief as they rolled by.

"We must get out of this storm, Jasper." she said, her eyes catching the light from some unknown place. It was all dark here. I found myself shaking my head wildly enough to have my bangs slap across my face.

"T--tell me who you are! Are you real…?"

That was when she stood up and gripped my hand, yanking me to her with vampire strength. She pulled me close, and I had to admit I was elated to be touching her body with mine. I was about to scold myself for such thoughts when she hissed, "I will tell you everything later."

She dashed off, and I was nearly horrified for her departure. That was when I found my hand remained in hers, and I was running along her side. I couldn't help but feel the warmth of the love overcoming the freezing rain.

**_**YAYY! haha i'm just super excited to see how you all take this chapter--sorry it's a tad shorter than usual. It's so fun to look back at Jasper and Alice's story of how they met--i think they have the most gorgeous background story of them all. Jasper was the walking dead, hopeless and suicidal, and Alice devoted her life to finding him. Perfection! Stephenie Meyer is the Queen of the World.**_**


	9. Thirsty for Touch

**_**Hey we broke 60 reviews! woo! well, this chapter is a little onger thatn most, so please do enjoy its sensitivity...**_**

**_Ch.9-Thirsty For Touch_**

The light buzzed on. It was yellow and kind, not harsh and bright. I stepped in, and realized too late that I inhaled her scent, enough to be audible. I was ridiculous. I turned away from her, embarrassed. I heard her softly giggle, and tried to replay it in my head, for it was so sweet and beautiful.

We stood inside of her cottage. It was fairly clean and unremarkable, but it was hers. This angel--she had living quarters, and I was lucky enough to be inside of them.

The walls reflected the golden yellow light. Greenish cracks rippled around the corners of the plain walls. There was only one couch, and it looked stiff and misplaced. A crocheted blanket was thrown upon it. On one wall, there was simply one frame, while the others were all oddly bare.

It wasn't a plain scribble, but a careful embroidered piece of cloth. Silk, perhaps, by the way it shone in the weak light. My eyes homed in closer, and I found the black stitches beautiful--whoever had done it was quite artistic in needle work. There were no silly flowers or fluffy birds surrounding it. It was plain words, and I supposed that was its appeal. The quote seemed to whisper in the darkened room: _"I love you more today than yesterday and only half as much as tomorrow."_

My first thought was not pleasant. Who could she be referring to? Such a wonderful vampire surely had a mate--how stupid I was for assuming she was alone, just because she met me at a diner. Should I ask? Perhaps. But why? And she had spoken my name--

I twirled to her, and she stared at me, her large eyes suspicious. I blinked at her tiny body in the dark corner. "I don't have a mate."

My jaw literally dropped. I managed to pick it up, but only to mumble, "How did you know--"

"I just knew what you were going to say." Her voice was gentle, as to not disturb me. Her last reassurance did, actually, relieve me. Not that I had a chance with her, anyway. The harsh thought jarred me...the realization that I stood no chance at all with a woman this perfect. I bit my lip, feeling the regret of my past years flaring terribly in this moment. It was more intense now than ever...because it rendered me unworthy of Alice.

When I looked at Alice, her eyes were so soft and understanding, like she knew what I had been through. Like she had a similar past. Doubtful, but maybe…

When she approached me, I remained still. Normally, I would have tensed, but all of my fear flew out the window. When her tiny hands touched the flaps of my jacket, I was suddenly envious of the fabric for touching her skin. I clenched my jaw, sustaining the shivery gasp I wanted to release.

"Jasper…" Her voice was like a caress, and I know I must have looked foolish then, standing in her living room, my eyes falling closed, my mouth parting in overwhelming sensations. I could faintly see her through my foggy haze. Her eyes gleamed in the darkness, piercing through with hidden vivaciousness and perkiness. Now, it dimmed with love.

That love--it was so addicting once I felt it. I was so envious of anything that had seen her before I had that it almost hurt--

"Jasper, you okay?" Her breath fanned across my skin, still dabbled in sewer residue. Her air was so cool and sweet, I just wanted to kiss her, to inhale it firsthand. I was embarrassed of my behavior, my eyes were switching away with lazy quickness, my jaw clenching as to not let my begging thoughts pour out.

"You want to take off this mucky jacket, Jasper?" Her voice…ahh, it was so beautiful, and relaxing, numbing my body and lifting my heart. My _heart…_ I must've just grown one, for it seemed so foreign to me.

Then, a layer of wetness slid off of me, and I was left in a thin button up which clung to my body so much that my skin texture nearly showed through. I was horrified, but I could barely pay any attention to it. Alice was here. That was all I cared about.

She was giving me a rather odd look then, one of slight confusion.

Then, it broke off to a doe-eyed look of fascination. It was like she was staring at something unseen by me, but it was something remarkable, indeed. Her body became erect, and her gaping mouth was enough to trouble me out of my trance. "Al-Alice?"

She blinked several times and smiled at me, her eyes dancing. "Sorry, Jasper. I was zoning out." She shrugged her deliciously tiny shoulders. If only I could touch them…

I was startled when she leaned in closely, her lips near my ear. I sucked in a breath as to not speak my thoughts…"Sit down, Jasper. Don't be a stranger."

"But…I--" I fumbled over my feet as Alice strictly motioned to her couch. I obeyed, my limbs awkwardly colliding. Curse my long legs. I bowed my head and waited as she stood there, watching me. Wasn't she going to sit? I looked up from my grimy bangs.

What she did next was torturous. She reached out to me, her delicate fingers coming close. I yearned for their touch, and I sat up, eyes wide on the prize, practically feeling the envying warmth from them. But, she cruelly used them to flip away my hair, not touching me at all where I could feel it. I gasped silently, and raised a shaky hand to my lips, where the sound had come from. How rude I was being to this beautiful angel…but I truly couldn't control these things.

I bit my lips fiercely, but my plead was urging itself out more and more. I shut my eyes tight, wishing I wouldn't embarrass myself, when it finally burst from me.

"Alice, please--touch me."

I was both horrified and relieved. Just a touch of the hand, a brush on the neck. That was silly, though--those were lover's caresses. I shut my eyes tight, bringing my fists to my temples. I bit my lip again with regret, trying to control what escaped them. "I'm…sorry.."

And I was. I had no right to ask such inappropriate things when she had plucked me from the streets, to be quite literal. But…there was so much she had known…so much I needed to question.

I looked up to meet her odd golden eyes, but she was not there. I was frantic for a moment, but then, her hand found mine. She had come to sit beside me, was all.

The touch was what I hungered for, and it shot tremors throughout my body. I was foolish to ask for something that gave me a humiliating effect, but it was so wonderful. I looked into her wide eyes, becoming lost in their goldenrod beauty. "Alice…" My voice sounded so odd--hoarse and husky, yet soft and whisper like. Yearning, Begging. Pleading.

"Jasper, I can see the future. I saw you coming. I saw you…with me."

By the way she squeezed my hand with the final two words, the way her eyes burned as she said my name, assured me that there was no one else in her life. That elated me, but I wasn't given much time to be joyous before I became a trembling mass of overwhelmed emotion again.

The factuality in her voice made me feel like sobbing with joy--I wasn't frightened or confused by her power. She had to know some things about me, and I wouldn't be shocked if my ability was one of them.

I could hear my heavy breathing again, and my lids were closing as if pulled by strong hands. I was sheathed in blackness, but accompanied by her touch. Her hand was on mine, feeling cool and soothing, and pushing rippling waves of love towards me. The emotion was so overpowering, that it rendered me speechless. Motionless, too, but why would I ever dream of moving?

"Jasper…" her voice was soft against my ear, the vibrations torturing me. I choked on a breath, trying to not look like a complete loon. Her breathing was so beautiful, soft and dragging, her own shaking rendering it choppy. It was nevertheless the most gorgeous sound ever created, and my ears were lucky to hear it.

Her free hand lifted, caught by my opening eyes. Her fingers touched my cheek bone in a testing manner, and I reacted with a soft intake of breath. I fiercely grabbed her hand and pressed her cool skin to mine, never wanting to be untouched again. I let my eyes wander to hers, trying to tell her how important she was. I could see she already understood rather easily.

She leaned in, her gold eyes fixed on me. I watched in wonder--was she about to do what I thought she was doing? Could I control myself--

Her lips touched my cheek, and my body went into uneven tremors. I was embarrassed, sure, but that was easily eaten by my elation.

The blissful love poured into me, flickering inside my head and shooting down my limbs. My bones were melting, my skin fizzling like firecrackers had been lit on them. My hand squeezed around hers, so soft and smooth and creamy white. My muscles twitched violently, making me look, undoubtedly, like a twittering fool. I could care less, though, for Alice was kissing my cheek. Her passion burned my face, not in a painful way. It warmed me, excitement and heat rising to my hairline.

She withdrew, and before I could gasp out for her to do it again--that it was the best experience of my time on earth--she let her lovely lips fall on my neck.

I could hardly deal with this. I didn't twitch, thankfully, but simply melted, to be literal. My spine snapped into microscopic pieces and let my back fall limply against the sofa. My hand went dead inside of hers, and upon feeling it, she squeezed harder. A tiny uttering gasp escaped my parted lips--parted with awe. The touch was so much that I felt the need to close my eyes as if it were a brilliant blinding white sun.

I managed a squint before I was frozen. I couldn't move, I was at Alice's mercy. If she did anything more sensual, I would surely die. I would become lifeless--a blob on her furniture, to always stay. I wouldn't mind that as long as she stayed with me. Her lips were still on my skin, and she moved them in a way that made me wonder if this was the end. After all my scars and terrors, I would ironically die of bliss.

Her tiny pink lips caressed my skin, and I began to see spots. They blotted my vision of the dark ceiling of Alice's home. I tried to speak, but it only came out as a soft guttural moan. I felt her lips move away, but they were simply relocating. I felt her warm mouth whisper against my collarbone, and she cruelly stoked my skin with her feathery-light lips. I managed a twitch that tried to be a squeeze to her hand, trying to tell her to stop. I loved it so much--I wanted more, but this seemed like the first thing my vampire body _couldn't_ endure.

Ever so softly at first, she placed her full mouth on the hollow of my throat, at the shadowy base. The sound of her lips smacking softly against my skin drove me mad, and I managed to voice it, even as the lovely black dots rendered me blinder and blinder. "Al…"

That's all I could manage, because once her tiny warm tongue poked from her teeth and darted swiftly across my surface, I gasped and felt my back arch. It had been so slight and subtle, that such a quick and light touch would go unnoticed my humans. My body writhed under her touch, and I squeezed her hand as hard as I could. My mouth was open into an O shape, the cool air mingled with her scent on my tongue. My eyes shot open, and the black spots popped out of sight. I saw the cracks on her dark ceiling, the outline of the frame on the wall.

My body was like a statue, frozen in the position. My chest was in the air, my back not touching the sofa. Slowly, I relaxed, realizing Alice was looking at me with wide eyes. Now came the embarrassment, I could feel it wash over me in cold waves. I shuddered and broke the eye contact.

She giggled and pressed the love at me, not feverishly, but like an offering, as if to say, 'See? I still like you (_Maybe even love you_, I thought). Don't be ashamed.'

I sighed, hearing it be broken and shattered. I bit my lip at my stupidity, but Alice simply squeezed my palm.

"Jasper Whitlock, I think we have a lot to discuss." she murmured.

**_Three cheers for Jalice lurv!!!! Hip hip hooray!!! Ohhh i'm so excited to read reviews, my loves! I know you will not disappoint! :D_**


	10. Finally Together

**_**Ahhhh yeah prolly longest chapter of the story. Hopefully you don't mind ;) i think you will like this one, too.**_**

**_Ch.10-Finally Together_**

We talked for hours.

_"Why me?"_

"I can't tell you why I saw you, but I can tell you I'm glad it was you."

_"You know you can do better."_

"I don't care. You are the best of the best."

_"I feel like sin. You...you are perfect, and I--"_

"--Perfect. You are perfection to me. And nothing but, Jasper."

_"But...why? I haven't exactly had a lucky life."_

"We can change that. Together."

It was oddly easy to tell her things, mostly because I half-believed she already knew most of it. When she asked quietly about the scars, I reeled back in shock--shouldn't she know? I supposed I did have a couple in plain view, but was it so obvious that there were more, affecting me harshly? I hid my face, horrified that I had already shared so much without batting an eyelash.

As I moaned inwardly and perched my elbows on my thighs, curling over myself, her hand rubbed my spine. I nearly shivered and bolted upright, but actually managed not to move too suddenly. I was silenced, and she managed to pull away my hands when she ventured to the small of my back, massaging little circles into me with her fingertips. I shuddered delicately, making her lips tremble as she held in a giggle. I found that I amused her rather easily.

"And?" she prodded as I looked into her pleased eyes with awe. I blinked.

"What?" I tried not to dwell on the fact that my twang was heavy in that one word.

"The scars, Jasper. Tell me about them." She let her hands fight with each other in her lap, looking down at them. I felt unease blacken her amused and loving emotions. I frowned--but that was only a mask to how horrified I was that she felt nervous.

I made a move to grasp her frantic little hands and decided against it. I folded my own in my lap, and straightened up. Surely, she knew bits and pieces of my past--fragments like puzzle pieces. Surely this would only be a few more pieces to her collection, and then she would see my past in one huge picture.

"I, umm…" I thought this would be fairly tolerable, but the words died in my throat. I couldn't tell her, I realized. I scratched at my neck nervously. After a few more silent beats, I pinched the bridge of my nose and hissed, "I can't."

Silence answered me, and I let my hand fall, my eyes squinted shut. "Alice, I'm sorry…"

"You don't need to be afraid, Jasper. Nothing can hurt you now. It's behind you. Everything." I felt her breath on my cheek, and I clasped my hands so they wouldn't quake.

"I--I…" My voice kept breaking. I couldn't do it. Not now. It was still rather fresh in my mind, to be honest. I looked away from her expectant face, laced with nervousness itself.

As I turned towards her quaint little kitchen with the naked counters, the only survivor on the barren land: salt and pepper shakers and the floor tiles black and white, her hand once again graced me. I bit my lip as to not let a pleasured gasp escape again.

She pulled my face back to hers, her fingers prodding warmly into my jaw. This is how lovers touched before they kissed…

"Jasper, I know you are overwhelmed." I looked at the floor, even as she tried to jerk my face around to meet her eyes. "Jasper."

Painfully, I met her eyes, envying their beauty. They were brimming with love and concern, and through her fingertips, I was wondering if I would elapse into another episode. I opened my mouth to speak, but her free hand butted against my mouth softly to shush me.

"Everything's fine. You know that, don't you? And you know that I would never hurt you." She let her finger fall from my lips, but to my shock, it trailed down my neck, down to my collarbone, and venturing into dangerous territory…

I firmly grabbed her hand as her sly fingers were pulling at my shirt. My breathing became labored, but with fear and not lust. That's all I could hear--until I felt her wavering concern, bashing me until my head rang.

I winced and let her hand fall free, involuntarily. She watched my shock for a moment, and took the moment to her advantage. While I sat, erect and frozen, she pulled at my shirt with both softness and fierceness before I would stop her. The word 'no' escaped my lips in a whispering sliver before the first few buttons of my shirt popped and rolled to the coffee tables' and couch's dark underbellies.

My hand was upraised from snatching her hand away a moment earlier, and I was still frozen that way. My face felt tight and pulled as I gaped at what she had done. Dread washed over me like black mud, making it impossible for me to run away. I couldn't move, so now, I would have to sit and watch her disgust unfold. I would have to watch her leave with shock, and later she would bid me farewell from her little warm house, leaving me to walk the wet streets, which would be more agonizing than all my newborn attacks. Times ten.

I watched her face, waiting for this. She rose one hand to her quivering lips, and the soft billowing waves that erupted from her were that of concern. I was shocked--I could feel my eyes widen as the gentle waves caressed me, intertwining with something new--admiration.

I felt my jaw drop, my body break out in icicle temperature. Her eyes were glowing with actual respect as her hand reached out to my skin, below my collar where the sea of marred skin began. I couldn't believe it--she wasn't scared, nor disgusted. She was a little surprised, but I spared her that, of course.

Her light finger trailed downwards, into the bluish depths of my damp shirt. It wasn't just that she was revealing my insecurities, but doing it while shoving love and pride for me. Such a creature couldn't possibly find me attractive.

When she poised a thin leg upward, I looked at it in surprise, then felt nervousness spread through my body when she landed on my lap, facing me. I stared into her eyes, and I could feel the edges of lust rising within her. I was slightly frightened for that--flashes of Maria swiftly ripping off her bodices stained my mind. That was enough for me to stutter, "W--wait, Alice."

She stopped cold, and I was actually surprised. I had to admit that I somehow expected her to laugh in my face and tear away my clothes, her teeth pointing and her eyes glowering with hunger for me. I winced as I waited for this to ensue, for my wonderful Alice to fade away, but she didn't.

Silently, she leaned in. Was this worse? I actually wanted her touch…more than anything, so I had to also convince myself to stop, too. My eyes flickered to her black skirt, splashing over my lap. Her blouse was buttoned to the neck, and I had to say that was more adoring than if it was revealing. She respected her body, more so than Maria, who would snatch me from the hall even as she was in her sheer nightgowns.

"Jasper, I would never hurt you…"

Her voice was so pleading, and it harmonized with my own want.

I began to turn away, my eyes were closed, my body tensing. I felt her hands pressing on me, against my chest--the sweetest pressure….her fingers curling around the fabric folds. Her breath washed over my cheek as I turned away. When I felt her nose skim against my own, the passion pounded into my brain so much that I shrank away. I didn't want to--yet it was irresistible…

The passion inside of her rushed out in torrents then, and I realized that it had only been trickling out in streams. It hit me, blew me away, made me see stars. I winced at the perplex beauty of it, felt my body shudder to a stop. Her ankles were weaving around my calves, her now bare feet curling against my dirty pant legs. Her palms cupped my face, securing me.

She breathed in, sucking away my own air. She tasted my scent, and leaned in, whispering her mouth against mine. The sound was maddening--skin against skin, lips on marble lips. It was as if the very edge of her entire body was brushing against my own--two magnificent cores of two beings, yearning for the other, balancing on a fine line. My breath hitched, and her cool scent washed down my throat. I shivered at her touch--she was softly stroking my bare skin I dared not look at.

Alice was my first kiss, and I knew that I never wanted to be kissed by anyone else again, for anything else wouldn't compare. At the final moment, I had turned away, knowing I had to be the one to stop this, but she had caught her lips to the corner of my mouth, and I was trapped. Happily trapped.

I gasped through the half of my mouth still free, inhaled her gorgeous scent. I felt the raging warmth--the passion, and it was seeping into my lips, filling them, burning them. I vaguely remember putting up a palm, to halt this, but I didn't have the heart nor the strength. She kissed me.

She suckled on my lower lip, gentle and testing. My body was shivering beneath hers, maddening me. She pulled away a millimeter, her breathing fast, soft and whisper like. Then, she launched back at me, pressing her full lips to mine with a force I hadn't expected. I tried my best to return her intensity, but I was slowly becoming a blob on the chair--her puppet, rather. I couldn't say I minded.

Our lips mashed against each other, then reigned in to gently rub marble to marble. She would pull away, her forehead resting on my own, her dark eyelids closed, panting. "Jasper, I love you. More than I thought was possible, even with my little images of you in my mind. I love you, and I won't ever stop._ Never."_

The words brought me higher, soaring, immersed in warming love. I felt her tiny fingers caress the nape of my neck while the other was frozen at the base of my throat. I watched her golden irises glint to the skin that etched into darkness, spackled with blemishes. I swallowed through my own desperate gasps.

Rather firmly and quickly, her hand tore downwards from my collar. The remaining buttons slid undone--not popping off brutally. I felt myself shake with fear as she assessed them. I chose to look away.

Her tiny breaths became little gasps of awe as she continued her fingers down my naked torso--scar after scar--no silken skin like hers. The harsh comparison brought bright red spots to my vision, marring it and startling me.

I jumped away in surprise when her cool and luscious lips touched my chest--it was lower than my collarbone, which I had thought was slightly too much already. I gripped the couch cushions, and I heard a faint popping noise and the sound of stuffing scrape from the frayed fabric edges.

Her fingers felt too warm and perfect against my chest, and they were straying downwards to my open stomach, and somehow, I found the strength to gasp, "Please, Alice…"

I was actually begging for her to stop--she would have me doing whatever she pleased in milliseconds, but she took it as more seduction. Was that possible? More? Surely I would die--

Her passion raged so much more fiercer--it melted my skin and prickled my insides. It was a tidal wave of pure love and admiration--more than I had ever experienced in my life. More than I knew was possible.

Her hands smoothed across my stomach, around my hips, her hands so firm and loving. My shirt was bunching up around her palms. I pulled away my hands in an attempt to halt this, but it only opened my shirt more, and she was now pulling her face near to my marred skin.

My marred skin. Ruined. Flawed. Disgusting.

_They look pretty nasty in the light._

I saw ebony hair, scarlet eyes, white fingers not stroking my skin, but clawing over it with lust. Raking purplish marks over my skin as she whispered not my name, but for more…more of what? Me? There was only so much I had left for myself…

_They look…_

"Jasper?"

…_pretty nasty…_

"Are you alright?"

…_in the light._

My eyes burst open, and I found that my chest was bare but untouched. Alice was looking at me with huge eyes, swimming with worry. Her finger whispered across my cheek, followed by a steadying palm.

"You are crying, Jasper."

Was I? I tried to veer away from the devilish face inside my head with the long locks of ink black hair and blood red eyes. I focused…and heard jagged sobs. How pathetic, one must think. What Alice must think. The wheezing sobs echoed cruelly in the room, surrounding me.

My fingers tore through my hair, trying to stop my own cries. The noise was that of a weakling--a pathetic piece of waste--that couldn't do anything right--

"Jasper! Jasper, calm down. Shh."

A new set of hands clasped over my own, and a wave of comfort washed upon me. My chest quaked as I tried to settle down, to be strong for Alice. What must she think?

A cool smooth surface pressed to my forehead. Her own. I listened to her breathing, felt her careful strokes through my disheveled hair. I tuned my own broken sobs to her soothing breaths, and I was soon strong enough to pull away.

Yet, even as I tried, Alice held to me, only allowing me a change in position. She pressed her soft cheek to my own, and I couldn't help but dread that it was on the same side of my face that a scar was perched above my eyebrow. Could she feel the disgusting and unnatural cold and roughness of it against her sweet cheek? I dared not think it…

"Jasper, nothing matters but you and me. We are finally together, and even if you think I'll walk out, you couldn't be more wrong."

We sat that way until the sun peeked through the yellow stained curtains, shining upon the frame that held a quote meant for me. It threw a yellow patch on the unpleasant brown carpet with areas rubbed away.

Our hands were glued into a desperate mass of white knuckles, our thighs pressed against each other. My hand pressed to the small of her back, keeping her in my arms. Her free arm wrapped around me, too, resting on the nape of my neck…just inches from one of my deepest scars caused from a backwards ambush. I pushed that away and held her and let her hold me as the yellow sunshine stain grew brighter and brighter.

**_PSHAW alice and jasper make me swoon. Is it time to go see New moon yet? and don't even get me started about eclipse. eclipse eclipse eclipse!!_**


	11. Gone Past, Near Future

**_**Since the basic story plot to this fic is Jasper's past, you may be aware that this is winding down a tiny bit...**_**

**_Ch. 11-Gone Past, Near Future_**

When Alice rose from her seat beside me, I felt immediately cold and alone. I was about to snatch at her tiny white hand, but decided against it, which was very excruciating to do. I bit my lip as I watched her disappear into the hallway, the darkness engulfing her. I stood erect, ready to save her from the tiniest creature. She smiled over her thin shoulder. "I'll be right back."

The moments ticked by like hours…days. I kept my breathing normal and focused on the frame on the bare wall.

"Jasper, here."

I looked up, and there she stood with a pile of clothes in her hands. They appeared to be men apparel, and I knew right away how she knew to have them in her house. I grew more and more amazed by her as seconds passed.

I took them, feeling the unusual cotton softness opposed to my heavy canvas coats I usually wore. I looked across the row of buttons and casual pants into her eyes.

"Bathroom is the first on the left. You can change in there."

Maria would never allow me such privacy; I nodded my thanks and hurried past her. To shed any more memories I held would be cleansing.

The wooden door clicked shut. The row of lights were made of four bulbs, of which only three were glowing dim mustard yellow. The wall tiles were also a similar condiment hue--which did in honesty look odd and unpleasing, but it was Alice's. Anything of hers was perfect to me.

There was a hollow thud as my dirty coat I had bore for so long fell to the linoleum. My trousers whispered over the ground.

I looked up, into the eyes of my reflection. I tightened my lips and simply studied the creature staring back.

I didn't let my eyes pass over my chest, for if I allowed this, I would be summoning Alice back in to hold me as I pitied myself. I stared into the vampire's onyx eyes, almost in fascination. I was sort of happy that they were not blood red, for I hated myself like that. The creature seemed to be sizing me up, and I took the challenge. I suppose I shouldn't have, because I was in there longer than anticipated.

"Jasper?" A sharp rapping came from the other side of the door. The tiny white clock on the wall suggested I had been in here for twenty minutes. Horrified, I fumbled to unbutton the shirt Alice had given me, sending the pants tumbling across the floor. I huffed in frustration, and Alice asked, more high-pitched, "What are you doing? Are you alright?" I could hear her fingertips grazing down the wooden door, towards the doorknob. I cursed the brass knob as I saw there was no functioning lock.

I tried to tell her I would be right out, but nothing but cold air blew from my lungs. I bit my lip, and snapped my head opposite of the door when she burst inside. Cool blue waves of worry poured in, chilling the warm little room.

I froze, facing the empty towel rack and not Alice. I heard her tiny feet shuffling forth, her hands reach out, whispering in her sleeves. Her hands touched my naked back, and I could feel her unreasonable admiration again as she stroked my scars. It made me want to slap away her hand--why should she find respect in these deformities? The thought of harming her, however, sobered me from these angry thoughts.

"Oh, my." she sighed breathily, but I didn't move an inch to meet her warm gaze. Even if it wasn't a lie--these feelings, I had always been so used to fake sincerity that I could hardly tell true from false. Her tiny fingertips brushed over my back, over my shoulder blades and down my spine.

"Jasper, look at me." It sounded sort of like a question, and it was like a plead, so I had to obey her as to not hurt her. I did look at her through my dark eyes. Her mouth was parted open, her teeth glittering, her cheeks pinched. Her hands were upon me, shifting as my body moved to see her. Seeing her face gave me less shame that I was under these harsh lights in only my boxers.

Alice broke her eyes from mine to stare into the mirror, and by instinct, I followed suit. There we were, staring at the somewhat dingy mirror. She was tiny and dressed beautifully, sharply. Her hair was glossy, her smile luminous, her skin a glowing sun kissed white. My hair was in tangled snares, my shoulders tensed, body towering over hers. The scars were laced with the faint light from the bulbs, and I could see clearly the contrast of her creamy skin to my slightly darker complexion.

As I straightened up, both fascinated and disturbed by this contrasting picture, her tiny arm wrapped around my bare waist. She pulled near, her head leaning upon my shoulder. I could feel her soft, wispy hair tickling my hard skin. I watched in awe at her gorgeousness as she beamed at my reflection.

The man in this mirror was wide eyed as well, and as I looked closer, his eyes were dark, yes, but not tortured as my past reflections had cast at me. These eyes were interested with life, fascinated with love. I hadn't seen these eyes--never had I seen these coal black irises full of anything but loathe or pain. I gasped quietly, and Alice squeezed me harder.

Her free hand traced across my chest, dancing over the scars. She leaned forth a little to kiss one daintily, then drew back to look at this whole picture with me.

I went from being the most hell-sent and damned creature on the earth to the most lucky in a matter of days. I don't know if some greater force had made this my destiny, but I'd like to kiss that force's feet. Someone sent me an angel, and I would go through my whole past again with an idiotic smile if I knew it was all for Alice.

--...--

My eyes cracked open--no, not from slumber. From relaxation, from letting my eyes shut out the room and focus on my Alice. Her dancing, her talking, her smiling, her kissing. I let my mind wander.

Now the sunshine was pooling into the room once again. A brief slash of memory startled me, as I thought of the blood red sheets, the jasper stone necklace. I swallowed and shoved it away, letting my eyes stare straight into the bright sun. It was a brilliant orb of white, and it bathed my face with a sweet burn. It was like Alice's kisses, hot but wonderfully addicting. I snuggled into the cotton blue sheets, pulling up an edge to inhale her scent.

Of course, vampires didn't have beds…not most. Not the single ones. It wasn't necessary, but it was wonderful.

I gazed outside again. Had the sun ever risen until today? It felt like I had never seen it before--it had always been a banished enemy, sent to spotlight my flaws. Now, it seemed to be sending a ray of hope inside the rays of light, and a plentiful ribbon was hitting me right now.

I remembered all those times I would open my eyes, closed for hours to block things away, not to welcome them and revel in them. The sun would feel like steely knives on my skin, pricking at my scars and screaming at Maria to notice them. I felt my lips turn into a line, my brow became furrowed.

_They look pretty nas--_

"Jasper?"

Her voice was questioning, wondering if I was a figment of the mind. Her vocals were tired and breathless. Happy. Her emotion waves were just as warm and wonderful as the sunlight's. Hers hit my bare back as I watched the sun bloom over the field her window faced.

Her cool, tiny hand touched my shoulder blade. I melted into the sheets at her touch. Her fingernails tickled my skin, and I didn't even flinch when her path was interrupted by an upraised flaw. Gently, her fingertips whispered over my back, and I let my eyes close as I enjoyed the touch.

After a while, she withdrew and leaned near, her lips homing at my ear. She rested her collarbone on my jutting shoulder blade. I felt her lips deliciously graze my ear lobe, and she whispered, "I love you so much."

The words sent my body into a frenzy of shivers. Would I ever get over these embarrassing effects of her love? Maybe I didn't want them to. Not ever.

I gently turned so my back was nestled in the sheets, warm and folded around us. The wrinkles raised like tiny mountains. Her hand scurried over the planes of my glowing chest, feeling like soft, frayed ribbons with their lightness. I smiled serenely at her touch, so soothing and electrifying at once.

I could have spilled out all the love I had for her right then, but then again, that could result in some regret later. I'm sure her intentions were the same--I'd never felt this unfaltering love before--but I still chose not to bombard her with everything she didn't know just yet. So, instead of all that overwhelming soul spilling, I settled for:

"I love you, Alice. More than you know."

I turned my head just in time to watch her smile bud on her gorgeous face, lit by the sun, sparkling like a million diamonds. Her ruffled inky hair fanned around her face, askew against the plain pillowcase. Her cheeks seemed rosy, dewy and dappled with joy. Her teeth were blinding white, her eyes burning with a happiness I still wasn't used to. It was beautiful. There was nothing to match it, nor would there ever be.

I took her hand as it lay on my chest, touching her lovely fingers, her tiny palm. She leaned forth more, so our lips could meet, and the kiss was just as wonderful as our first.

Just like the sun that had just risen for the first time, I heard the birds sing their first song. I heard the wind hum its first soothing hymn, the one that always seemed mute when I had needed it. The grass looked emerald, each blade a glimmering spear of brilliance. The sky looked deep and endless…hadn't it always been stormy and congested with bleak clouds?

And it all came at once…through Alice's lips.

My past disappeared. My future opened, and I had never been this excited for it.

**_Fluffalicious, once again. Tune in next time, readers! It's not over til the fat lady sings!_**


	12. The Future Finale

**_SO SORRY you guys. My dumb laptop died and wer still in the process of getting a new one, and i've been having to use someone else's somputer. This person doesn't know i write fanfiction...and he could quite possibly blackmail me. So i'm very sorry. this is the original two final chapters, but seeing how this is a rare moment that i get with this laptop before someone catches me, i'll squeeze them both in. (Doubled size for waitign for it! thanks so much, really) So here's teh finale, and i really wish i could have gone through more thouroughly, so this is pretty raw. better than nothing...?_**

**_The Future--Finale_**

It was sort of a shame that we couldn't leave the house until the lovely sunshine dimmed out. But once it did, Alice jumped up, grinning that heart-breaking grin. "Get your coat, Jasper. Let's go for a walk."

And we did, and even though I'd been in the town for a while now, everything was brand new. I hadn't really noticed at all the entire time that it was about four o' clock in the morning--all the humans were safely tucked away. I wasn't burdened too badly with the thirst, 'til Alice stopped and turned to me.

"You are thirsty. Forgive me for being so oblivious." Her finger traced beneath my eye, a ribbon of cool love. I could only look back at her as the wind kicked up, pushing leaves to our feet. I sighed.

"I suppose I am."

"Will you try something for me, Jazz?"

My mouth twitched at the nickname that'd been used before by Peter to Maria. "Anything."

"Will you try drinking…animal blood?"

I blinked. "Animal blood?" I whispered. Was that possible? I traced below her own iris, flecking yellow topaz. My thumb caressed her cheek, spinning little circles until she melted, holding my hand and sighing. "I'll do it if you want me to."

"I want you to choose, Jasper. But…I think it'll be a lot easier with the emotions, but harder to be consistent." she whispered over the wind.

"Do you think I've had my last human?" I asked hopefully. Alice grimaced softly.

"No."

I bit my lip and accepted that. I knew it couldn't be a clean break like I wished. "Let's go." Alice tugged on my sleeve, and we headed towards the outskirts of town.

We stayed in Philadelphia for a while before Alice told me about her dream life with the ones called the Cullens, and I knew wherever she'd go, I'd follow.

I'll never forget the day that my true demon was unleashed.

We had been walking in the forest, hunting for elk, when the fresh, acid smell of human blood flooded my aware nose. I snarled, felt my body give away to the pressure of thirst. I ran as fast as the need would carry me, through the trees, and I had forgotten about Alice for that moment.

The blood was so delicious now…smelled so wonderful…

I caught a glimpse of bright orange, only a sliver in the trees. My eyes flared, my insane grin wide, my hair blowing around my pale, chalky brow. My fingers dug through branches, snapped little firs in two. Splinters and needles showered me, and just when I saw the shape of a hunter in the woods, his rushing blood so maddening--I was halted.

Limbs wrapped around my neck, a body weighting on my backside. I snarled, the vibration pitting inside of me, low and guttural. Animalistic. Right then, everything was a blur except the hunter with the sweet blood.

I was tempted to turn around, seize whatever was holding me, and I was later horrified that I decided to do just that. With the scent fueling my rage, I growled sharply and ripped at the arms, simply registering them as an obstacle. I actually roared when the limbs lithely slipped from my fierce grasp. I knew I could take down this thing blocking my way--

Every time the hands or arms wrapped around me, I tried to snatch at them, but they were as slick as butter. I roared in frustration, and as I raged, the thing pounced and gripped my wrists down.

I was outraged with the attack--I saw only fierce red, smelled only blood. My wrists wouldn't budge even as I bucked and kicked and squirmed. It seemed like my enemy knew exactly what I was about to do.

I faltered beneath the steel grasp. I tugged yet, but a thought leaked into my clouded mind: Wouldn't it be something, to see the future? Even though the scent of blood hung heavy, my body shut down. I lay in the blackening grass, my eyes hazed over, only seeing a small shape above me.

It seemed like decades before the human wandered off. Centuries before I came to my senses.

I squinted, peered through the blood red fever that had been sprung onto me. I swallowed, hearing my throat whisper with thirst. I winced at the razor sharpness of the feeling.

A cool, strange emotion wavered near, shyly, it seemed. It touched me, prodded and caressed me. I breathed in the cool blue crystal scent of worry. Concern. Pity.

My wrists were still locked at my legs, my body stiff as a board. I refused to look into the face I now could comprehend, for I knew that If I would, I would burst into sobs, diving over the edge of insanity. So, instead, I turned my head, stared at the gnarled roots that protruded from the emerald green grass. I watched it with my coal black eyes.

I bit my lip, said nothing, but lay and felt the worry wash over me. I gripped the grass, pulled up earth, and shut my eyes, wishing I hadn't done what I had…I'd tried to harm Alice. My Alice, the one that gave up her life for me, filthy, disgusting me. She could have banished all thought of me after the vision, gotten up and started a beautiful life with the Cullens without me. She'd easily find a mate…I would know, because she was beyond perfection.

"Jasper…" Her voice was so soft, yet it pierced through me sharply enough for me to cringe, make my body stiff with fear. Fear of rejection. How could she say she'd stay after this? I know she promised to never leave, but… "Jasper, look at me."

I squeezed my eyelids tight, seeing dull, throbbing blotches now. I opened my mouth, let a shaky word through; all I would allow. "Can't."

The unfaltering iron bracelets around my wrists loosened, caressed my hands and forearms. I bit my lip to hush my moans of self-loathing, my soft sobs for betraying Alice. The bracelets, cool and radiating cold concern, pulled away. Her tiny body slid off of mine, and I bit my tongue fiercely as to not cry out at her withdrawal. I was such a fool.

Alice had come to me, found me when I needed her most. What did I give her? My own problems, not to mention not taking the wheel on our physical relationship. Alright, yes, I loved every inch of her, but I couldn't possibly say the same for her opinion on myself. I was so greedy and foolish to take her to bed in my marred arms, to not ease her from her gentle sighs of need. Once she'd seen me fully, she probably wanted to take it all back, anyway.

And now, she was baby-sitting me. More like keeping my demons inside of myself. This new life was the second thing she lived for (the first wrongfully being myself) and I had managed to crumple that up a tad bit, too. Show her I was unfit for this life. I was such a disgrace, that my lips parted, and my sobs began as small hitches and grew as I lay there, cold and lonely. Has she gone? This rejection would surely kill me.

It was nearly like rocks were jutting into my back--my sides, my arms. I had never felt so much pain.

This was far worse than newborns' razor teeth, Maria's disgust. I hissed in air, let my vision darken.

And then, I felt what I thought would never again grace me.

_Alice's arms._

They wrapped around me, warm and soothing, followed by her faraway voice, shushing my jagged sobs. Her fine fingers rooted through my hair, fanned over my brow, stroked my cheek as I shook in her arms. I smelled her sweet floral scent mixed with a plain familiarity I'd grown to adore. I bit my lip and wondered why I was so blessed.

Her limbs tightened, and my own arms came to life to return the gesture. We lay that way, a mass of vampires, quaking with love, comfort, regret. I knew that she wouldn't ever leave me, even if I wanted her to. Of course, that would be near impossible. I would always want her, love her, hunger for her, need her.

My cheek grazed her collar bone, and I shivered at its stark smoothness. I listened to her soft cooing. She whispered that it was alright, she was proud of me, she loved me. I could only wonder why, why, why…but I settled for simply laying in her embrace and letting my shattered heart begin to stitch itself back up.

Alice and I didn't always agree, either, as one may assume after our happily ever after meeting. Most of our disagreements came after we settled in our new home, with our new family. It was when I was trying to quit drinking human blood--almost to wean myself. How crude and stupid it was, that I had to be the 'youngest' vampire, the uncontrolled, brainless killer.

I would spend my days in my study which had been offered to me, surrounded by books that were meant to keep away boredom and bad memories. They did little, but I still read them all.

I grew rather irritated and flustered most days, as I watched my lovely Alice drive off to school with her new siblings.

School. I wasn't allowed there yet--I could hardly go to the park with Alice without her checking the future every five minutes and her restraining hand would always clasp around my arm. I hated being so handicapped--I only wanted to be with Alice, enjoy her joys, spend every moment with her radiance. I envied those dim witted humans that got to gaze upon her for six hours while I only had books for company.

Then again, I did have Esme, and she tried to help whenever she could. It usually depended on my mood--on good days we would tend to the garden together and share books and stories. I loved her like my very own mother, one that was nearly erased from memory.

On bad days, however, she would come to the study, ask if I'd like anything, and I would shove my fingers through my hair, jut out my chin, hide my face. My elbows would plunk against the wooden desk, threatening it to break, and I would usually respond, "I want to not be locked away like a monster. I know I am, but…" I would always break off, and Esme would leave, her eyes saddened, her hands clasped in sorrow for me. She knew comfort wouldn't help, and later, I would only feel like a huge ass.

One day, on a particularly dark day of mine, Alice came home, chipper with a spring in her step, her golden eyes sparkling. How I must have looked--my eyes a raspberry mud, my hair in tendrils around my furrowed brow. I felt jealousy stab at me…why couldn't I be that happy and peaceful? I clenched my jaw, turned away as she looked at me. "Jazz?"

I hunched my shoulders, winced at the razors screeching inside my throat. Every breath was like blades running my throat raw. I sighed, not even wanting to speak for the pain was terrible. "Jasper? What's wrong?" Alice's sweetly concerned voice came, and I lashed out.

"What do you think is wrong? My throat feels like it's being peeled to ribbons! I need to feed. Now." I had stood up, and her golden eyes flickered at my desperately agitated voice. Her face then smoothed to sorrow.

"Sorry Jazz, but Carlisle said you should try and feed every four days, and you fed only two days ago. We want you to get better--more tolerant." Her eyes pooled with encouragement, the encouragement I didn't want. I had growled slightly, which brought my hand to my throat as it felt like it was cracking with pain.

I hissed in air, the air felt like fire, as well. Two days of this torture? Never! "Alice…"

"Jasper, you are doing so well, and I know it's terribly hard, but--"

"How can you know, Alice? You were never a monster like me." The words were sharp, mercilessly stabbing. Her eyes grew wide, and I yearned to embrace her, tell her I was sorry, but I couldn't. She had to know my discomfort, but she couldn't. "Jasper, you are not a monster!"

I scoffed at the wall, my hand still resting on my throat tenderly. "Society calls our kind monsters as is. I'm just one of the worse, so that makes me an...abomination. I cannot even go to school with you because I am so--" I broke off in frustration and my throbbing throat. I moaned quietly, clenching my jaw.

"Jasper, stop all of this! You are not a monster, all that stuff is in the past, and--"

"Look at me, Alice!" I twirled around, my finger pointed at my crazed face. My eyes were wide, no doubt sparkling with soft rose. I hissed in a breath, though it still tasted of ashy heat. Her eyes were squinted, their ocher color glimmering as she stared back.

"I am, Jasper." Her face was grave and ashen.

"Don't you see these scars?" I ripped at my collar, accidentally fraying it a tad bit. Alice jumped at the sharp tearing noise. She bit her lip and looked, shaking her head.

Before she could protest now, I bellowed, "I still can't understand why you love me, of all people. I am a disgusting vampire, not worthy of you. Why the hell would you ever want this? Maybe your vision was telling you to steer clear, Alice, not to come running. You shouldn't love me."

"Stop it!" Alice cried, and I was momentarily hurt that I had caused her anger. I wanted to stop these terrible words from pouring out, but I couldn't.

"Face it, Alice. You are so beautiful and perfect--why should you spend your life with someone like me?" I hissed, staring into her face, which was now crumpling with angry sadness.

Her hand lashed out. Struck my face. The echo of it was sharp and ringing. It slapped away my anger and most of my thirst, welcoming only fresh regret. It stung with its bitter ripeness.

Alice's blunt slap smarted--I could feel my cheek throb in vivid pain. I closed my eyes, prodded my hot cheek with frosty fingers and slumped my shoulders…heard Alice's hissing gasp and her little hand cup over her gaping mouth.

Her body thrust at mine, her arms scurried around me, seeking purchase around my body. I limply allowed--welcomed--her hands and arms, her hushed voice as she apologized. I heard my own voice bleakly parrot this. I sucked in a breath and allowed my vision back as her cool palm stroked where she had slapped me. I had deserved it…but it seemed that it hurt her more than me. In one single act of anger, we banished our negative feelings to comfort each other.

Even if we were comforting each other because of our very own argument--it didn't matter.

I held her close enough that our bodies touched as I breathed my apologies into her ear. I could feel my thirst tingling again--creeping back after being absent from the fight.

Alice's sweet voice murmured over and over her regret, but I simply shushed her by pulling her hips close, and placing my mouth upon hers. I tasted her sweetness--something that could always wash away my thirst.

It'd been our first fight--probably not our last--but it brought us closer. You may wonder how that could be--but it makes perfect sense to us.

-------

I looked over the plains of bright green grass. I heaved a sigh as I sat in the driver's seat of our classy new car that had been a gift. A wedding gift. From my new father.

A father…I hadn't had one of those for at least a century. What a disturbing thought. I hadn't realized how hard life had been without parents--without at least someone to confide in, to have say it'll be alright, someone to tell you how proud they were. Someone to embrace when times were tough.

Carlisle and Esme filled that void quite perfectly, especially today while they tossed their cupped white hands full of rice into the air, their grins merry and sunny. Carlisle had even talked to me before the ceremony, and let me have his fatherly pride. He was proud of me, for what I'd endured and how I had gotten through it with triumph. We'd shared an embrace right before Alice walked the aisle.

I couldn't even remember my parents' names, only Whitlock. When I thought of them--well, tried, I was often saddened my by disability to summon their faces and names.

I gazed across the dirt road, at the chapel. The little white wedding chapel on a rolling green hill, the sun bursting over the mountains as a final tribute to the lovely day. More than lovely. There had only been one other day that I could consider matching up to this: the day I met my bride.

She was sitting in the passenger seat, looking over me at the setting sun. It peaked enough to throw light over our little wedding chapel. It was so simple and delicate, but perfect in that way. The sun felt warm and pure on my skin, my hands glittering as they peeked from my groom's tux. It was a soft gray, purchased with the help of my new brothers, Edward and Emmett.

My bride had given me so much, and there were times that I wondered what I could possibly give to her in return, but I decided that my most valuable possession was my own heart. I would give her that in hope that she would make use of it, and not only did she do that, but she made it swell and soar like a human man's.

I could only assume we were both entranced by the setting sun, by the simple little chapel where we finally became husband and wife. With a single cross piercing the soft sky, it stood with quiet confidence. I would remember this day forever, and how ironic it was for two vampires to be wed in a holy church. Some legends were simply foolish wives tales.

Inside the chapel, Alice and I had stood among the pews, in front of our audience of only four. Carlisle was actually up in front with us, with a thick bible in his hands, his words soft and weaving images of the most beautiful future.

We had held each other's hands, and I had stared into her deep golden eyes as she confessed her vows to me. She spun a gorgeous tale that seemed like poetry, telling me how much she loved me, cared for me, and how much it would hurt to ever lose me. I tried to match it--or at least get close. I supposed I did have some good backup evidence to how much I loved her, and how she saved me.

My family sat in silence, hands folded over laps as I told my bride how I would forever protect her no matter what the costs were. I would never harm her in any way, but spend my energy on finding new ways to show my adoration for her. She was the reason I stood on my feet, the reason I wasn't ash carelessly sprinkled in some gutter. She was my soul; why I lived.

Carlisle softly spoke from the bible, his words so calming and final. I looked down at our hands, both of them intertwined in the other's. I saw the light streaming from the church windows on my hands, how the scars dulled and stood out. For once, I couldn't care about my scars. What was done was done, and I had a much better life ahead. Much, much better than most people could even dream of.

When Carlisle pronounced us man and wife, I felt freed, soaring over the clouds with only Alice by my side. My sweet, sweet Alice. He had said I could kiss my bride, and I had craned my neck and cradled her face in my marred hands. She smiled and closed her eyes, tucking her bouquet under my arm in an embrace as I softly kissed her. Her arms felt fragile yet like they could protect us both from whatever life would throw at us.

We withdrew, our eyes glittering with ecstasy. Soft applause and quiet sniffles from our mother whispered against the pale walls. My wife's eyes burned with such accomplishment and love that I had kissed her once more.

"Jasper."

Now Alice's voice lingered to my ear as she unbuckled her seatbelt, edging closer to me. Our family had already taken off for home, where our small reception was to be held. Carlisle had brought out our new car for me to test drive on the way there.

My arm stretched over the burgundy vinyl, behind Alice's back.

I looked at her. Really saw her, and every time was like the first--I became speechless.

She was wearing a very simple little white dress. She wanted to get married very soon after moving in with the Cullens, I could feel it and my brother Edward could second that, too. She hadn't wanted a big wedding as her materialized outlook may have suggested. She only asked for a sunny little chapel and only her family to attend. I supposed that was perfect…I wasn't really a showy person, as it is obvious. The best I did to clean up was tame my hair a little. It was slicked back with Edward's help, but by now there were several tendrils falling over my eyes.

A canary yellow flower budded from behind her ear, still perky and vibrant after the long day. It contrasted against her jet black hair wonderfully, and my arm resting behind her stroked the nape of her neck tenderly.

She scooted closer until our bodies touched. Her eyes were so huge and beautiful under those long lashes. Her cheeks looked dappled pink, and her skin shone with the most elegant beauty any person could ever describe. The setting sun kissed her all over--her shoulders, neck, face, arms. Millions of tiny diamonds shimmered across the plains of her already beautiful face. It would be literal if I said she was glowing.

I raised a hand as she moved closer, facing me. My hand bore an accessory--my wedding band. It glinted the light, a plain but meaningful golden band. My fingers traced into her hair, feeling its warmth and familiarity.

Looking at her…at her mind-numbing beauty and realizing she gave herself to me made me want to give her everything in the whole wide world. If this was a fairytale ending and we were two hot blooded fleshy humans, I would be able to. I'd be able to show her a populated and sunny beach for a honeymoon.

I couldn't.

I'd be able to encourage her through future jobs or dreams she would like to conquer as years went by.

I couldn't.

I'd be able to give her a child someday…that was usually on the minds of newlyweds after the honeymoon. I wanted to give her the experience many young women became glitter-eyed about--being a mom and having the most perfect baby.

I couldn't.

These things stung sometimes…and I knew the most I could give her was a hug on our many graduations to come, as Carlisle warned us. From there, we never aged.

We were stuck as teenagers, but we thirsted for so much more, sometimes. It's almost like watching your life tick by made it more valuable…but I didn't ever want life itself to end. I always wanted to be with Alice, even if it wasn't in heaven or hell or wherever we ended up. Anywhere without Alice was hell for me…so I just hoped that she was an angel enough to bring me wherever she went.

My eyes hovered upon Alice, forever young and beautiful, but in my eyes, no matter what happened to her, she would always be this way. I would always remember this moment, how the sunlight shone over her skin, how her wedding dress hugged her just right, how the chapel represented simplicity but purity, like out love.

I closed my eyes and let my lips meet hers, felt her hand touch my own. The kiss was warm and kind and sweet. Her lips were impossibly soft and smooth beneath my own, and it took everything I had not to start our honeymoon right there.

I was strong enough to resist that, but not strong enough to keep the reception from delay by an hour or so. I supposed a reception can't really begin with the bride and groom, but we were too busy tasting something sweeter than wedding wishes…and certainly not wedding cake.

The sun set over us, blanketing the green grass and our little chapel (as it would be forever known to me) with darkened hues. And yet, our kiss continued, and it would never seem long enough.

* * *

**_Thanks so much for sticking with me and showing Jalice love. I'll be up and out much more once my laptop is better. Goodbye and farewell--it's been a blast!!_**

**_PS the last half (wedding) was inspired by another nami pic. I will get the link as soon as possible on my profile!!!_**


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